Click the play button below, or watch at this link: Young Hillary Clinton.

Tip of the hat to Roadkill Refugee.

Read More: hillary clinton, election 2008

To say that former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s new book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception, drops a few bombshells on George W. Bush is like saying — well, it’s like saying Hitler’s Luftwaffe dropped a few bombshells on Rotterdam.

McClellan’s harsh exposure of the Bush administration and his disclosures about the world at large keep coming, and coming, and coming, often as many as three and four shocking revelations per page. It took an editorial feat worthy of Edward Scissorhands to trim McClellan’s sensational tidbits to a mere list of ten. But I did, and here they are…

Top 10 Suprises in Scott McClellan’s Book

10. George W. Bush lied America into a war with Iraq.

9. The Earth is not flat. It’s round, like Charlie Brown’s head. Even more surprising, the Earth actually travels around the sun!

8. Paris Hilton is not a virgin.

7. Karl Rove is more crooked than most other traitors can even imagine.

6. Only one country in the Middle East has nuclear weapons, and they won’t sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

5. Halliburton is managed by war profiteers and that includes Dick Cheney.

4. On 9/11 the 47-story WTC7 skyscraper was demolished without being hit by a plane.

3. One and one and one is three.

2. The personal sexual fantasy that Lindsey Lohan would be most embarrassed to have divulged is…uh, give me a break. You think Scott McClellan has this information?

And the number one surprise in Scott McClellan’s book…

1. President Bush has always really, really, really liked oil.

Read More: Scott McClellan, George W. Bush, Iraq War, Karl Rove, WMD, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Halliburton, Dick Cheney

Monday was the deadline for former Bush advisor Karl Rove to agree to voluntarily testify under oath about his involvement in sending former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman to prison.

Siegelman, the Democratic Governor of Alabama from 1999 through 2003, was convicted in 2006 on corruption charges. But it’s how he got convicted that’s interesting…

While Siegelman was governor, the U.S. Justice Department targeted him with multiple investigations that went on year after year until, finally, a jury convicted Siegelman of bribery. He was then sentenced to seven years in prison.

Recently, Siegelman was released pending appeal while a House Judiciary Committee investigates the matter. The House Judiciary Committee wants to know whether Karl Rove ordered Siegelman targeted for prosecution in order to kill any chance of the Democratic governor from getting re-elected. The committee has asked Karl Rove to testify under oath.

But anonymous sources have cited 10 Reasons why Karl Rove won’t testify…

Top 10 Reasons Karl Rove Won’t Testify Under Oath

10. He doesn’t have to, because after failing to get a degree at the University of Utah, the University of Texas-Austin, and George Mason University in Virginia, he’s going to enroll again at…wait a minute, that’s Top 10 Ways Karl Rove Dodged the Draft…

9. If he takes the stand, there’s a hundred percent chance he’ll commit perjury, because Karl Rove can’t open his mouth without telling a lie.

8. Doesn’t want to risk revealing the secret reinforced concrete apartment beneath his basement where he worships a huge cache of Nixon memorabilia.

7. Afraid opposing council “fishing” will expose his addiction to freebasing massive quantities of cheese grits.

6. Rove doesn’t want to admit that it was he who swiped Hillary’s fuchsia pumps with the clear heels, and he’s terrified of having to give them back.

5. Justice can wait; Rove has to attend Mariah’s Six Flags wedding reception first.

4. If it doesn’t involve getting soused and rapping, Rove isn’t interested.

3. Rove doesn’t like the way he looks wearing orange, ankle cuffs, and picking up trash along the highway.

2. 1st Rule: You do not talk about what goes on in Bush Club. 2nd Rule: You do NOT talk about what goes on in Bush Club.

And the number one reason Karl Rove won’t be testifying is…

1. Can’t afford to drive over to the courthouse because the price of gas is so freakin’ high!

Read More: Karl Rove, Governor Don Siegelman, House Judiciary Committee, corruption charges, bribery, Justice Department

What is unquestionably the earliest draft of the American Declaration of Independence was discovered last Thursday inside the frame of an old picture that a Philadelphia financial analyst bought for $4 at a flea market in Adamstown, PA.

Two forensic specialists hired by ABC News have independently concluded that the document is indeed the earliest original rough draft known to exist.

Jefferson, Franklin Lacked Writing Skills

“The text in these document am very rough,'’ said Miriam Newbiggin, an archivist at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston who was recently shown the document. “It really done brung into question the writings aptitude of Jefferson and Franklin. Both is supposed to be cream of the crop, far as colonial prose writers goes. Now, I wonders.”

The Original Draft Declaration

The original rough draft is printed below in its entirety:

As plain as the nose on the face of King “spend-all-our-money-on-his-empire” George, every hooligan is created equal as the corrupt banker, or cheap tart, or an exciting priest…you get the idea. We should all be free to live our own lives how we want, where we want, with whichever gender we want, smoking and drinking what we want, free from…what’s his name? By George, his name is Hades!

Yes, I’ve said it. Hell hath a name. That name: King George!

I tell you, stable floors are littered with faecal entities more deserving of dignity than George, whose vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare!

(Note in margin: “Thine hand might tone this down a bit, Tommy. -Benny F.”)

No! King George, I call you out! Bilesome bigot, you brash bragadisme. Your mere existence has for me offered proof there is no God, no hope, no justice and the most miserable future for humankind. Have you any idea how agonisingly juvenile you are? Your head is filled with the dust from the half-dozen or so thoughts you have managed to snare within your lifetime.

(Note in margin: “Replace the entire paragraph, perhaps: ‘George — the compost bin of creation.’ -Benny F.”)

The totality of empire’s warmongering and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. Believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. I have sometimes thought that one day righteousness might be restored in the world by some simple act, such as you swallowing your tongue. But alas, I fear you are too busy flapping it in the breeze to ever swallow the horrible truth. To have you enter a room is the social equivalent of walking up to someone with a wet, cold, soiled nappy and slapping it in their face.

The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. Georrrrrrrge! If the single-celled proto-slimes that oozed out of the earth’s ancient muds had any inkling they would give rise to you they would have slid back into the filth from whence they came!!!

(Note in margin: “Good heavens! Does Miss Sally always stroll your home in gift Parisian lingerie?! The kitchen needs me. I shall return briefly. -Benny F.”)

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the…the…necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them…doesn’t make sense does it…as we hold the rest of mankind? Enemies in War, yes, and in Peace Friends. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence blah blah blah Santa Claus, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, our sacred Honor, maybe our gold, but never our hard-brewed ale. Stick it, England!

It’s rumored that Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were highly indepted to Blue Swami’s Hate Letter Generator.

Read More: April fools day jokes, American Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, King George

You can tell a lot about a candidate by the way she runs her presidential campaign. Presumably, she’ll run the country the same way if she’s elected president.

In Hillary’s case, that means good and bad news.

First, the bad news: Hillary’s campaign is running up more debt. If she becomes president, that’s very bad news since the United States is already in the hole over $9 trillion.

The good news is that even under overwhelming odds, Hillary will never say die — even when others like Slate magazine begin holding a Hillary Clinton Nomination Death Watch.

But, as if to prove she intends to steer her campaign’s ship all the way to the ocean floor, Hillary has come to Extreme Candidate Makeover to give her a boost.

10 Reasons Why Hillary Won’t Quit

While Extreme Candidate Makeover obliged Ms. Hillary with some new looks (see the awesome results to the right…), she divulged to the makeup artist 10 Reasons Hillary Won’t Quit:

10. She needs to stay in the race to get a definitive list of traitorous super-delegates to pass on to her post-election hitmen.

9. Although she has already misspoke about dodging snipers in Bosnia, there are still many more things she wishes to misspeak about.

8. If John McCain can claim Vladimir Putin is the president of Germany and still find support in America, Hillary’s got a heckuva chance, too.

7. Hillary’s campaign is the premier fight against discrimination in America, and everybody knows she’s twice as much female as Barack Obama is black.

6. Because somebody has to answer the phone to accept the nomination, and if that call comes at 3 AM she has vowed to answer it better than Obama.

5. Americans let George W. Bush in the White House twice. They clearly want a lying malignant narcissist as their leader. Hillary fits the bill!

4. To quote Hillary: “As God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll get to start my own no-good war and land on an aircraft carrier in my own flight suit. And Rhett…I mean Billy Jefferson, too. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, one day I’ll be the one declaring Mission Accomplished!”

3. “The thought of Monica Lewinsky and cigars still make me feel very insecure. I believe getting elected leader of the free world, getting to carry — maybe even use — the nuclear football…yes, I believe that will alleviate most, if not all, of my insecurities. And fixing my insecurities…that’s worth so much more, to me, than the health of the Democratic party or the greater course of human civilization.”

2. Because she’s already made the deal with Diebold, and paid them more than John McCain, so it should definitely be her in the general election.

And the number one reason Hillary won’t quit…

1. If she doesn’t become president, at the end of the day she’ll have to store all her shoes in Bill’s library.

Don’t forget to catch Extreme Candidate Makeover: John McCain.

Read More: Hillary Clinton, extreme makeover, 2008 election, candidates, style finder