Most of us don’t want to be the fascist leader of a New World Order, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to be happy from a Texas blockhead who does.

George W. Bush, the ingrate responsible for much of the world’s grief, offers the following tips that make his life a happier life, despite the loud sucking noise in his country. Maybe they can work for you, too.

1. Experiment to find out what makes you happy. Different things make different people happy. If you aren’t sure what your hot spots are, experiment. Try eavesdropping on your friends. Tell a lie that gets somebody killed. Or just drink and drive. Find out what you enjoy most.
2. Surround yourself with others who are happy. Try to avoid tired, poor, homeless huddled wretched refuse, even if they’re yearning to breathe free. They’ll drag you down. Instead, stick with the storied pomp. Their easy way with success will rub off on you. You’ll learn how to pass the buck with a smile and keep on truckin’.
3. Count your blessings. When something bad happens, like Dick Cheney letting hijackers attack New York or the worst hurricane ever hitting New Orleans, try not to focus on it. Instead, read a book about a pet goat, or play a guitar.
4. Think solutions. Instead of thinking about problems, move to the next step: how to solve it. When someone says to me, “Oh, there’s no reason to invade Iraq,” or “Oh, the people ain’t gonna give us no more war profits,” or “Man, the Geneva Convention says torture is a war crime,” I just ask them, “Well, what’s the solution?” Most of the time, it’s easy as telling a lie and barring further discussion due to state secrets that could threaten national security. Try solution-oriented thinking and you’ll be much happier.
5. Accept things. Sometimes it’s hard to realize we can’t control the world. We have to understand and love every person of every color and faith, even if they have more oil than we…WTF? Who’s writing this load of hokey!?
6. Take time to savor life. Instead of rushing from one crisis to another, resolve to have less to do each day, less appointments and fewer tasks. Then do each thing slowly, with ignorance, and try to be absent. Just go to Camp David, or Kennebunkport, or the ranch in Crawford. Stay gone for over a whole month.
7. Treat yourself. Take a few minutes each day to give yourself a little treat, whether that’s something like a bubble bath, or walking barefoot in the grass, or riding your bike. Forget about the war on everything. You deserve it.
8. Follow your passion. If you do what you love to do, you’ll be extremely happy. This is one of the best things you can do. If it seems impossible, don’t give up. Saddam bombed Iran and you can too.
9. Look at your achievements. Instead of looking at your huge number of colossal failures, think about anything good you may have contributed to the world. If, like me, you can’t come up with anything, just smile and continue with the next tip.
10. Laugh. Just the simple act of laughing can make you happier. Just look at war widows. Or war orphans. Or vets without legs. And laugh your head off.

    Seriously…laugh your head off.

Read More: George W. Bush, Happiness

10. Wants to high-tail it to Dubai before his upcoming dirty bomb false flag operation clogs America with radioactive SUVs and riot police.

9. After the 2006 election, Bush told Rove he might be more helpful botching somebody’s Democratic campaign.

8. Wants to finally get his college degree, which he failed to earn while dodging the draft at a parade of colleges between 1969 and 1973.

7. Further convinced the answer to all is WAR, Rove is secretly relocating to New Orlean’s Ninth Ward, refurbishing a gutted house with a surface-to-air rocket launcher, stocking scores of Depleted Uranium warheads, and preparing to launch a preemptive attack against the next tropical storm that threatens to become a hurricane.

6. Needs time off to help produce TV advertisements for the burgeoning Swift Boat Veterans for Unlikely Whoppers and Sanctimonious Hypocrisy group.

5. After blowing the cover of agent Valerie Plame, Rove is entirely swamped with urgent requests to betray more CIA agents with husbands who tell the truth.

4. Rove is unable to continue functioning after discovering that his biological father had another son…that Don Siegelman, the Alabama governor Rove put in prison, is…actually…HIS OWN STEPBROTHER!!! AIGHHHHH!

3. After firing every last attorney in Washington, Rove wants to let somebody else get a shot.

2. Fell prey to Hillary Clinton’s covert operation, RapRove, whose players posed as hip-hop talent scounts and convinced Rove to pursue his non-talent in the music industry.

And the number one reason Karl Rove resigned:

1. After years advising Bush, just got tired of propping up a second-rate boneheaded dictator.

Read More: Karl Rove, Resignation

George W. Bush, the man who executed 131 inmates while governor of Texas, has commuted the 30-month prison sentence of Lewis “Scooter” Libby because the punishment was too harsh for helping a Vice President commit treason against the United States of America.

After the announcement, the president laughed maniacally for the next ten minutes. He stopped long enough to address a unit of marines headed to Iraq for their third tour of duty: “You soldiers don’t know what harsh is. Just ask a real patriot like Scooter!”

When they left, the laughs continued. Between stomach cramps that left Bush bent and slobbering on the Oval Office rug, he spat and muttered: “The whole American middle class…what a bunch of suckers! Hahhahaahaa…a bunch of regular Charlie Browns! And I’m Lucy Van Pelt, and those morons are never gonna kick my football! Hahhahhaahaa! Never!”

When asked to elaborate, President Bush gathered his breath, smoothed his tie, and gave the following 10 Reasons He Commuted Libby’s Sentence:

10. That’s how a fascist dictatorship works, jerk.

9. Letting Libby avoid prison will allow a good a man who has done a lot for his country to resume his life, and by the way — I’d also like to announce the pardon of Osama bin Laden.

Osama’s family is rich, and he’s a natural-born leader and freedom fighter. Osama helped our CIA fight the Ruskies for many years. And did I mention that his family has lots of money?

Yes, I realize that Osama made an error in judgment and took a little misstep that brought down the twin towers, and he deserves to be punished. But, c’mon folks…would you actually make him pick up a bar of soap in prison?

Regardless what you think, I have decided that incarceration for Osama would be harsh and excessive punishment, so on behalf of the 9/11 victims’ families, I grant him a full and well-deserved pardon.

8. Sometimes restoring honor and dignity to the White House means pretending it didn’t happen. Actually, most of the time. No, better make that all of the time.

7. The AIPAC lobby called and said: “Let my Scooter go!”

6. If I let Scooter go to prison for two years, no telling how many novels he’ll write, and the world simply can’t survive another of Libby’s everyday tales of bestiality and paedophilia in 1903 Japan.

5. Libby knows where the Iraqi WMD are. He’s not talking until I promise not to lock him up.

4. You probably think Paris Hilton had it rough, but believe me — until you’ve seen Libby gasping and slamming around a prison cell like a rabid monkey, you haven’t seen claustrophobic.

3. It’s just not in me to keep the boy from going out West. It’ll be fall soon. The aspens will already be turning. Turning in clusters. Let Libby go back to work…and life.

2. As long as Scooter’s in prison, we can’t silence him with a bullet in the — wait, Cheney’s telling me to shut up about that.

1. The jury obviously worked very long and hard and deliberated at length, and they were obviously convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that Scooter lied and obstructed justice and deserved to be strongly punished, and as President of the USA, you know, I just thought it’d be fun to kick ‘em as hard as I could where the sun don’t shine.

Read More: Lewis Scooter Libby, George W. Bush, Cheney, Plamegate, CIA, commute

On September 13, 2006, a lawyer for the Vice President demanded that Dick Cheney’s visitor logs be destroyed. The demand was sent to the Secret Service after the Washington Post made a Freedom of Information Act request to find out who had been visiting Darth Cheney’s official residence.

Even though logs have unlawfully been destroyed, copies have surfaced! And so, here’s the…

Top 10 Surprises in Cheney’s Visitor Logs:

10. Adolf Hitler is still alive and kicking at 118, and often drops by to give Cheney advice and a blood transfusion.

9. The logs contain hundreds of entries with no names, simply signed “hookers, hookers, and more hookers!”

8. Fidel Castro made several clandestine visits late last August, but only stayed long enough to sober up frequent traveling companions Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.

7. On more than one occasion Cheney rode home with Paris Hilton, who often drove Cheney’s Jaguar XKR to ensure the VP avoided a third DUI.

6. Cheney left the residence every first and third Friday night of the month — the same nights wife Lynne scheduled strip-poker parties with Al and Tipper Gore.

5. Logs reveal only one shotgun salesperson visited during the entire year, compared with 126 traveling bra and garter set representatives.

4. For an incredible 11-day stretch in 2006, every single visitor was bald.

3. Hundreds of entries with no names, simply signed “another bucket of KFC drumsticks and Jim Beam.”

2. Compared with other Federal residences, a highly disproportionate number of visitors complained of point-blank birdshot wounds to the face.

1. Cheney regularly denied President Bush entrance unless he brought a no-bid contract for Halliburton, his own defibrillator, and promised to nuke Iran by 2008.

Read More: Dick Cheney, Naval Observatory, visitor logs

10. But hypothetically, if I do run for President again, you’ll vote for me, right? 9. Howdy, you’re talking to the War President. Shoot. No pun intended, heh heh heh. 8. Step outside your tent and wave. Me, Dick, and Condi can see you on Google Map over here! 7. If there’s anything I can do to help…well, besides not bombing Iran…and besides bringing you home to your children…yes, and besides—look, how about a new rifle and some grenades? 6. You’ve actually seen the oil? Fantastic! What’s it smell like? Can’t wait to get my hands on it, buddy. 5. You’re so lucky, over there in Iraq with all that sand, like vacation at the beach or something. If you were here in DC, you’d have to actually get your butt to work and make up excuses every day like me. 4. I’m sorry you never found your other arm or your leg, lady, but the important thing is that you keep looking, because I know weapons of mass destruction are there. Osama’s got ‘em. 3. Take out the blue hut—that’s where members of Al Qaeda are meeting Santa Claus for dinner. Yes, Santa Claus is acceptable collateral dammage in the war on terror.

2. I’m all about Peace on Earth. And you know what’s going to bring Peace on Earth? Bunker-busting mini nukes, that’s right.

1. What do you mean it’s dark there? I can see the sun right now.

Read More: Bush, Iraq, war, politics, terrorism, Christmas, military