10. Wants to high-tail it to Dubai before his upcoming dirty bomb false flag operation clogs America with radioactive SUVs and riot police.

9. After the 2006 election, Bush told Rove he might be more helpful botching somebody’s Democratic campaign.

8. Wants to finally get his college degree, which he failed to earn while dodging the draft at a parade of colleges between 1969 and 1973.

7. Further convinced the answer to all is WAR, Rove is secretly relocating to New Orlean’s Ninth Ward, refurbishing a gutted house with a surface-to-air rocket launcher, stocking scores of Depleted Uranium warheads, and preparing to launch a preemptive attack against the next tropical storm that threatens to become a hurricane.

6. Needs time off to help produce TV advertisements for the burgeoning Swift Boat Veterans for Unlikely Whoppers and Sanctimonious Hypocrisy group.

5. After blowing the cover of agent Valerie Plame, Rove is entirely swamped with urgent requests to betray more CIA agents with husbands who tell the truth.

4. Rove is unable to continue functioning after discovering that his biological father had another son…that Don Siegelman, the Alabama governor Rove put in prison, is…actually…HIS OWN STEPBROTHER!!! AIGHHHHH!

3. After firing every last attorney in Washington, Rove wants to let somebody else get a shot.

2. Fell prey to Hillary Clinton’s covert operation, RapRove, whose players posed as hip-hop talent scounts and convinced Rove to pursue his non-talent in the music industry.

And the number one reason Karl Rove resigned:

1. After years advising Bush, just got tired of propping up a second-rate boneheaded dictator.

Read More: Karl Rove, Resignation

George W. Bush, the man who executed 131 inmates while governor of Texas, has commuted the 30-month prison sentence of Lewis “Scooter” Libby because the punishment was too harsh for helping a Vice President commit treason against the United States of America.

After the announcement, the president laughed maniacally for the next ten minutes. He stopped long enough to address a unit of marines headed to Iraq for their third tour of duty: “You soldiers don’t know what harsh is. Just ask a real patriot like Scooter!”

When they left, the laughs continued. Between stomach cramps that left Bush bent and slobbering on the Oval Office rug, he spat and muttered: “The whole American middle class…what a bunch of suckers! Hahhahaahaa…a bunch of regular Charlie Browns! And I’m Lucy Van Pelt, and those morons are never gonna kick my football! Hahhahhaahaa! Never!”

When asked to elaborate, President Bush gathered his breath, smoothed his tie, and gave the following 10 Reasons He Commuted Libby’s Sentence:

10. That’s how a fascist dictatorship works, jerk.

9. Letting Libby avoid prison will allow a good a man who has done a lot for his country to resume his life, and by the way — I’d also like to announce the pardon of Osama bin Laden.

Osama’s family is rich, and he’s a natural-born leader and freedom fighter. Osama helped our CIA fight the Ruskies for many years. And did I mention that his family has lots of money?

Yes, I realize that Osama made an error in judgment and took a little misstep that brought down the twin towers, and he deserves to be punished. But, c’mon folks…would you actually make him pick up a bar of soap in prison?

Regardless what you think, I have decided that incarceration for Osama would be harsh and excessive punishment, so on behalf of the 9/11 victims’ families, I grant him a full and well-deserved pardon.

8. Sometimes restoring honor and dignity to the White House means pretending it didn’t happen. Actually, most of the time. No, better make that all of the time.

7. The AIPAC lobby called and said: “Let my Scooter go!”

6. If I let Scooter go to prison for two years, no telling how many novels he’ll write, and the world simply can’t survive another of Libby’s everyday tales of bestiality and paedophilia in 1903 Japan.

5. Libby knows where the Iraqi WMD are. He’s not talking until I promise not to lock him up.

4. You probably think Paris Hilton had it rough, but believe me — until you’ve seen Libby gasping and slamming around a prison cell like a rabid monkey, you haven’t seen claustrophobic.

3. It’s just not in me to keep the boy from going out West. It’ll be fall soon. The aspens will already be turning. Turning in clusters. Let Libby go back to work…and life.

2. As long as Scooter’s in prison, we can’t silence him with a bullet in the — wait, Cheney’s telling me to shut up about that.

1. The jury obviously worked very long and hard and deliberated at length, and they were obviously convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that Scooter lied and obstructed justice and deserved to be strongly punished, and as President of the USA, you know, I just thought it’d be fun to kick ‘em as hard as I could where the sun don’t shine.

Read More: Lewis Scooter Libby, George W. Bush, Cheney, Plamegate, CIA, commute

On September 13, 2006, a lawyer for the Vice President demanded that Dick Cheney’s visitor logs be destroyed. The demand was sent to the Secret Service after the Washington Post made a Freedom of Information Act request to find out who had been visiting Darth Cheney’s official residence.

Even though logs have unlawfully been destroyed, copies have surfaced! And so, here’s the…

Top 10 Surprises in Cheney’s Visitor Logs:

10. Adolf Hitler is still alive and kicking at 118, and often drops by to give Cheney advice and a blood transfusion.

9. The logs contain hundreds of entries with no names, simply signed “hookers, hookers, and more hookers!”

8. Fidel Castro made several clandestine visits late last August, but only stayed long enough to sober up frequent traveling companions Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.

7. On more than one occasion Cheney rode home with Paris Hilton, who often drove Cheney’s Jaguar XKR to ensure the VP avoided a third DUI.

6. Cheney left the residence every first and third Friday night of the month — the same nights wife Lynne scheduled strip-poker parties with Al and Tipper Gore.

5. Logs reveal only one shotgun salesperson visited during the entire year, compared with 126 traveling bra and garter set representatives.

4. For an incredible 11-day stretch in 2006, every single visitor was bald.

3. Hundreds of entries with no names, simply signed “another bucket of KFC drumsticks and Jim Beam.”

2. Compared with other Federal residences, a highly disproportionate number of visitors complained of point-blank birdshot wounds to the face.

1. Cheney regularly denied President Bush entrance unless he brought a no-bid contract for Halliburton, his own defibrillator, and promised to nuke Iran by 2008.

Read More: Dick Cheney, Naval Observatory, visitor logs

10. But hypothetically, if I do run for President again, you’ll vote for me, right? 9. Howdy, you’re talking to the War President. Shoot. No pun intended, heh heh heh. 8. Step outside your tent and wave. Me, Dick, and Condi can see you on Google Map over here! 7. If there’s anything I can do to help…well, besides not bombing Iran…and besides bringing you home to your children…yes, and besides—look, how about a new rifle and some grenades? 6. You’ve actually seen the oil? Fantastic! What’s it smell like? Can’t wait to get my hands on it, buddy. 5. You’re so lucky, over there in Iraq with all that sand, like vacation at the beach or something. If you were here in DC, you’d have to actually get your butt to work and make up excuses every day like me. 4. I’m sorry you never found your other arm or your leg, lady, but the important thing is that you keep looking, because I know weapons of mass destruction are there. Osama’s got ‘em. 3. Take out the blue hut—that’s where members of Al Qaeda are meeting Santa Claus for dinner. Yes, Santa Claus is acceptable collateral dammage in the war on terror.

2. I’m all about Peace on Earth. And you know what’s going to bring Peace on Earth? Bunker-busting mini nukes, that’s right.

1. What do you mean it’s dark there? I can see the sun right now.

Read More: Bush, Iraq, war, politics, terrorism, Christmas, military

12. If you’re not in the 31% who approve of his performance, that means you’re a terrorist-aiding Abu Ghraib candidate, and BUSH HATES YOU! 11. If you’re one of 30 million homosexuals in the US, then you have to stay single because BUSH HATES YOU! 10. If you support Thomas Jefferson’s recomendation to keep religion and government separate, BUSH HATES YOU!

Bush Makes Babies Cry

9. If you think stem cells should be used for research instead of thrown in the trash, BUSH HATES YOU! 8. A study has confirmed that most Bush voters are psycho, so if you aren’t nuts BUSH HATES YOU! 7. Maybe your son is fighting in Iraq and you want him home? BUSH HATES YOU! 6. If you’re homeless because of a natural disaster, watch out for the next Katrina because BUSH HATES YOU!

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5. If you have oil and want to discount it to the poor for the winter, BUSH HATES YOU! 4. If you want to improve the safety of steel skyscrapers by investigating the only three that ever collapsed due to fire, BUSH HATES YOU! 3. If you’re a scientist who won’t falsify global warming data, BUSH HATES YOU!

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2. If you want to resolve conflict through dialogue instead of the mass mutilation of other people’s children, BUSH HATES YOU! Last, but not least… 1. If you want all the votes to be counted, count on this: BUSH HATES YOU!

Read More: Bush, Iraq, war, Thomas Jefferson, stem cells, voting, Katrina, global warming, politics