10. All future expenditures must be approved by new oversight committee chaired by Dick Cheney and a blue ribbon team of private prison inmates.

9. New “Green Homeland” engines to be imported from Haliburton’s Dubai plant, must get less than 10 miles per gallon, must emit exaust containing excess of 10% birth-defect-causing, good-as-nuclear-fallout, radioactive-for-centuries, depleted uranium dust.

8. Richard Wagoner, CEO of GM, must forfeit the $15 million he took home in 2007 and scrub assembly line latrine with a toothbrush once per week until bailout is returned to taxpayers.

Note: toothbrush must be Wagoner’s own, only toothbrush. Whether he actually brushes his teeth during this period is between Wagoner and his dentist.

7. Alan Mulally of Ford, who earns $21 million, must eat every meal in a local charity soup kitchen. He also must put in 20 hours per week at Detroit’s Georgia Street Community garden until all taxpayer moneys are returned.

6. Robert Nardelli of Chrysler, who received a $210 million severance check from Home Depot last year, must make all future visits to Capitol Hill by flying from Detroit to Washington D.C. on an unaltered, off-the-shelf tricycle.

5. Seventy-five percent of the cars GM produces in 2009 must be of the wildly popular electric plug-in EV1 model that was sabatoged in the 1990s by money-hungry management (service-free cars don’t earn service centers any money), Big Oil (a car that doesn’t need gas?!), and the hydrogen fuel cell industry (if cars don’t need viable hydrogen fuel cell technology, we won’t get paid billions to develop one!)

4. The constitutional rights of all auto workers will be suspended such that their phone conversations can be taped, they may be arrested and denied a fair trial, and they may be tortured to elicit a confession…oh, wait, President Bush already suspended those rights!

3. Only get to blow cash on $3 million 30-second Super Bowl ads if all upper management agrees to have fingernails removed with pliers and a blowtorch.

2. Taxpayer moneys will only be used in a strict sense to streamline user-centric networks, enable best-of-breed architectures, grow rich e-services — all while exploiting turn-key metrics and optimising an efficient bandwidth of booze and women and party golf vacations. Trust us. C’mon…TRUSSSSSST us!

And the number one term of the big three auto bailout is…

1. All financial bonuses replaced by “whack any overpaid executive VP with a rubber mallet” points system.

Read More: auto bailout

Many Americans are ok with sending their neighbors’ sons and daughters to the Middle East for five years to become paraplegics for oil. But when it starts costing twice as much for us to gas up the half-ton F-150 pickups (35.7 gallons, 15 mpg) we use to pick up caramel macchiatos with whipped cream (440 calories) on the way to our jobs at local cube farms, we’ve had enough; we’re finally ready to embrace renewable energy.

Judging by recent Main Stream Media coverage, the renewable energy of choice is panning out to be…Wind Power!

But, alas, all free folks between the shining seas are not happy. For, in the home of the brave, every silver lining has it’s dark cloud. Without further ado, I give you…the Top 10 Reasons Wind Power Sucks:

10. All those towering turbines spoil the rich people’s view.

Just ask the Whitleys of Erath County, Texas:

Johnny and Tesa Whitley bought 350 acres in rural Erath County to raise horses and enjoy the breathtaking sunsets, but their view is now marred by something they never expected: two dozen wind turbines. The 400-foot-tall turbines tower over trees atop ridges, some just a mile away. At night the structures’ bright red lights blink intermittently, even reflecting in their lake, Tesa Whitley said. “We had a beautiful horizon, and now all we see is turbines,” she said.

When President Kennedy suggested asking not what our country could do for us, but what we could do for our country, I’m sure he didn’t intend things to go so far as having the views of rich people defiled by towers emitting green power. I’m sure what Kennedy meant was for the already no-good view of poor Americans to suffer the dark asthma-producing clouds puffed aloft by another coal power plant, or the giant steam clouds from nuclear cooling towers, or a new six-level parking garage that had to be built downtown to hold all the commuting half-ton F-150 pickups.

At least the Whitley’s only have to see a few dozen windmills poking above the treeline of their 350-acre paradise, and don’t have to wake up to this Parisian eyesore everyday.

And at least they don’t have to suffer the wooden skyscraper that befouls the skyline of Arkhangelsk, Russia.

9. The constant whooshing noise is unbearable.

Ok, maybe the whooshing noise is not as loud as the new expressway the city built on private land that the owner was forced to sell by right of eminent domain so the rich people could drive more F-150s to work. And maybe the whooshing is nothing compared to the airport, or the train that blares down the tracks at 3 AM, or the neighbor’s dogs, and that rooster in the morning, and the birds going haywire chirping at sunrise, and the fugue of seven-year cicadas in the trees, or the disquieting noise of water slapping the damn pebbles in the creek…heck, those wind turbines aren’t even as loud as the crickets chirping that keep me awake all night. Still, I just…can’t…take…the noise.

Hear it for yourself: Windmill Farm Noise

8. Wind farms may kill a few bats in Indiana.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says it’s not clear what effect wind turbines have on bats; developers must be prepared for at least a few bat collision deaths. The government suggests halting construction on the proposed 62-turbine wind farm in Clayton, as well as the proposed 65-turbine St. Lawrence and 140-turbine Cape Vincent wind farms in Cape Vincent until further studies can be made.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service also suggested halting traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike until the relationship between mosquitoes and windshields can be studied (the study is going to take years, and cost millions of your dollars, and yes, I AM kidding…but not about the bat study.)

7. New wind turbines don’t look as cool as the old ones.

Sure, the old style windmills could only pump water, and the new ones can run several thousand water heaters, stoves, washing machines, and Xbox game consoles. Still, it’d be nice of they’d make the new ones look like the old ones. If the engineers can’t do that, I’d rather invade another country and stick with oil.

6. Did I mention bats might be at risk?

Bats. Yes, bats. If global warming doesn’t get them, giant wind turbines might. (See number 8…)

5. Wind power probably won’t kick start Armageddon

Unless it involves attacking Iran for Israel, wind power will probably never get any real support from the evangelical right:

The Evangelicals have also been jockeying for broadening the present conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan to Iran. Hagee’s CUFI has been zealously pushing the message of “support-Israel-bomb-Iran”, urging Congress to follow suit and has told his followers that a US strike on Tehran may initiate the sequence of apocalyptic events related in Ezekiel 38 and 39. In Jerusalem Countdown he goes so far as to argue that “The coming nuclear showdown with Iran is a certainty”.

Yep…wind power is completely off these people’s radar.

4. Dead bats.

You know…the minority of bats with screwed up sonar systems. Wind power, perhaps, might be dangerous to them. (See number 6…)

3. Wind power might replace weapons manufacturing.

The demand for wind turbines has increased so dramatically that manufacturers like General Electric have up to a $12 billion backlog of ordered wind turbines they have yet to construct and deliver.

Still, the profit margin on wind turbines is only 15% — not nearly the profits from working with an Israeli air force general to cheat the Pentagon out of $30 million dollars while supplying F-16 fighter engines.

2. Wind power makes sense.

Wind power makes a lot of sense. America stopped making sense a long time ago. We don’t do that anymore. We want to sell even bigger pickups, with lower gas mileage. It doesn’t make sense. That’s us. We’re not afraid of the cliff.

Brave? Yes.

Free? You better believe we certainly think we are.

Smart? Uhhh…we’re not even in the top ten anymore.

1. America doesn’t have to invade another country for wind.

This reason alone is going to leave the Military Industrial Complex scratching their fascist heads to come up with other reasons for Americans to part with $400 million per day.

Oh, well…I guess life’s just tough that way ;-).

Read More: wind power, renewable energy, wind turbines, wind farms, Military Industrial Complex

To say that former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s new book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception, drops a few bombshells on George W. Bush is like saying — well, it’s like saying Hitler’s Luftwaffe dropped a few bombshells on Rotterdam.

McClellan’s harsh exposure of the Bush administration and his disclosures about the world at large keep coming, and coming, and coming, often as many as three and four shocking revelations per page. It took an editorial feat worthy of Edward Scissorhands to trim McClellan’s sensational tidbits to a mere list of ten. But I did, and here they are…

Top 10 Suprises in Scott McClellan’s Book

10. George W. Bush lied America into a war with Iraq.

9. The Earth is not flat. It’s round, like Charlie Brown’s head. Even more surprising, the Earth actually travels around the sun!

8. Paris Hilton is not a virgin.

7. Karl Rove is more crooked than most other traitors can even imagine.

6. Only one country in the Middle East has nuclear weapons, and they won’t sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

5. Halliburton is managed by war profiteers and that includes Dick Cheney.

4. On 9/11 the 47-story WTC7 skyscraper was demolished without being hit by a plane.

3. One and one and one is three.

2. The personal sexual fantasy that Lindsey Lohan would be most embarrassed to have divulged is…uh, give me a break. You think Scott McClellan has this information?

And the number one surprise in Scott McClellan’s book…

1. President Bush has always really, really, really liked oil.

Read More: Scott McClellan, George W. Bush, Iraq War, Karl Rove, WMD, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Halliburton, Dick Cheney

Monday was the deadline for former Bush advisor Karl Rove to agree to voluntarily testify under oath about his involvement in sending former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman to prison.

Siegelman, the Democratic Governor of Alabama from 1999 through 2003, was convicted in 2006 on corruption charges. But it’s how he got convicted that’s interesting…

While Siegelman was governor, the U.S. Justice Department targeted him with multiple investigations that went on year after year until, finally, a jury convicted Siegelman of bribery. He was then sentenced to seven years in prison.

Recently, Siegelman was released pending appeal while a House Judiciary Committee investigates the matter. The House Judiciary Committee wants to know whether Karl Rove ordered Siegelman targeted for prosecution in order to kill any chance of the Democratic governor from getting re-elected. The committee has asked Karl Rove to testify under oath.

But anonymous sources have cited 10 Reasons why Karl Rove won’t testify…

Top 10 Reasons Karl Rove Won’t Testify Under Oath

10. He doesn’t have to, because after failing to get a degree at the University of Utah, the University of Texas-Austin, and George Mason University in Virginia, he’s going to enroll again at…wait a minute, that’s Top 10 Ways Karl Rove Dodged the Draft…

9. If he takes the stand, there’s a hundred percent chance he’ll commit perjury, because Karl Rove can’t open his mouth without telling a lie.

8. Doesn’t want to risk revealing the secret reinforced concrete apartment beneath his basement where he worships a huge cache of Nixon memorabilia.

7. Afraid opposing council “fishing” will expose his addiction to freebasing massive quantities of cheese grits.

6. Rove doesn’t want to admit that it was he who swiped Hillary’s fuchsia pumps with the clear heels, and he’s terrified of having to give them back.

5. Justice can wait; Rove has to attend Mariah’s Six Flags wedding reception first.

4. If it doesn’t involve getting soused and rapping, Rove isn’t interested.

3. Rove doesn’t like the way he looks wearing orange, ankle cuffs, and picking up trash along the highway.

2. 1st Rule: You do not talk about what goes on in Bush Club. 2nd Rule: You do NOT talk about what goes on in Bush Club.

And the number one reason Karl Rove won’t be testifying is…

1. Can’t afford to drive over to the courthouse because the price of gas is so freakin’ high!

Read More: Karl Rove, Governor Don Siegelman, House Judiciary Committee, corruption charges, bribery, Justice Department

You can tell a lot about a candidate by the way she runs her presidential campaign. Presumably, she’ll run the country the same way if she’s elected president.

In Hillary’s case, that means good and bad news.

First, the bad news: Hillary’s campaign is running up more debt. If she becomes president, that’s very bad news since the United States is already in the hole over $9 trillion.

The good news is that even under overwhelming odds, Hillary will never say die — even when others like Slate magazine begin holding a Hillary Clinton Nomination Death Watch.

But, as if to prove she intends to steer her campaign’s ship all the way to the ocean floor, Hillary has come to Extreme Candidate Makeover to give her a boost.

10 Reasons Why Hillary Won’t Quit

While Extreme Candidate Makeover obliged Ms. Hillary with some new looks (see the awesome results to the right…), she divulged to the makeup artist 10 Reasons Hillary Won’t Quit:

10. She needs to stay in the race to get a definitive list of traitorous super-delegates to pass on to her post-election hitmen.

9. Although she has already misspoke about dodging snipers in Bosnia, there are still many more things she wishes to misspeak about.

8. If John McCain can claim Vladimir Putin is the president of Germany and still find support in America, Hillary’s got a heckuva chance, too.

7. Hillary’s campaign is the premier fight against discrimination in America, and everybody knows she’s twice as much female as Barack Obama is black.

6. Because somebody has to answer the phone to accept the nomination, and if that call comes at 3 AM she has vowed to answer it better than Obama.

5. Americans let George W. Bush in the White House twice. They clearly want a lying malignant narcissist as their leader. Hillary fits the bill!

4. To quote Hillary: “As God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll get to start my own no-good war and land on an aircraft carrier in my own flight suit. And Rhett…I mean Billy Jefferson, too. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, one day I’ll be the one declaring Mission Accomplished!”

3. “The thought of Monica Lewinsky and cigars still make me feel very insecure. I believe getting elected leader of the free world, getting to carry — maybe even use — the nuclear football…yes, I believe that will alleviate most, if not all, of my insecurities. And fixing my insecurities…that’s worth so much more, to me, than the health of the Democratic party or the greater course of human civilization.”

2. Because she’s already made the deal with Diebold, and paid them more than John McCain, so it should definitely be her in the general election.

And the number one reason Hillary won’t quit…

1. If she doesn’t become president, at the end of the day she’ll have to store all her shoes in Bill’s library.

Don’t forget to catch Extreme Candidate Makeover: John McCain.

Read More: Hillary Clinton, extreme makeover, 2008 election, candidates, style finder