To say that former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s new book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception, drops a few bombshells on George W. Bush is like saying — well, it’s like saying Hitler’s Luftwaffe dropped a few bombshells on Rotterdam.

McClellan’s harsh exposure of the Bush administration and his disclosures about the world at large keep coming, and coming, and coming, often as many as three and four shocking revelations per page. It took an editorial feat worthy of Edward Scissorhands to trim McClellan’s sensational tidbits to a mere list of ten. But I did, and here they are…

Top 10 Suprises in Scott McClellan’s Book

10. George W. Bush lied America into a war with Iraq.

9. The Earth is not flat. It’s round, like Charlie Brown’s head. Even more surprising, the Earth actually travels around the sun!

8. Paris Hilton is not a virgin.

7. Karl Rove is more crooked than most other traitors can even imagine.

6. Only one country in the Middle East has nuclear weapons, and they won’t sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

5. Halliburton is managed by war profiteers and that includes Dick Cheney.

4. On 9/11 the 47-story WTC7 skyscraper was demolished without being hit by a plane.

3. One and one and one is three.

2. The personal sexual fantasy that Lindsey Lohan would be most embarrassed to have divulged is…uh, give me a break. You think Scott McClellan has this information?

And the number one surprise in Scott McClellan’s book…

1. President Bush has always really, really, really liked oil.

Read More: Scott McClellan, George W. Bush, Iraq War, Karl Rove, WMD, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Halliburton, Dick Cheney

Monday was the deadline for former Bush advisor Karl Rove to agree to voluntarily testify under oath about his involvement in sending former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman to prison.

Siegelman, the Democratic Governor of Alabama from 1999 through 2003, was convicted in 2006 on corruption charges. But it’s how he got convicted that’s interesting…

While Siegelman was governor, the U.S. Justice Department targeted him with multiple investigations that went on year after year until, finally, a jury convicted Siegelman of bribery. He was then sentenced to seven years in prison.

Recently, Siegelman was released pending appeal while a House Judiciary Committee investigates the matter. The House Judiciary Committee wants to know whether Karl Rove ordered Siegelman targeted for prosecution in order to kill any chance of the Democratic governor from getting re-elected. The committee has asked Karl Rove to testify under oath.

But anonymous sources have cited 10 Reasons why Karl Rove won’t testify…

Top 10 Reasons Karl Rove Won’t Testify Under Oath

10. He doesn’t have to, because after failing to get a degree at the University of Utah, the University of Texas-Austin, and George Mason University in Virginia, he’s going to enroll again at…wait a minute, that’s Top 10 Ways Karl Rove Dodged the Draft…

9. If he takes the stand, there’s a hundred percent chance he’ll commit perjury, because Karl Rove can’t open his mouth without telling a lie.

8. Doesn’t want to risk revealing the secret reinforced concrete apartment beneath his basement where he worships a huge cache of Nixon memorabilia.

7. Afraid opposing council “fishing” will expose his addiction to freebasing massive quantities of cheese grits.

6. Rove doesn’t want to admit that it was he who swiped Hillary’s fuchsia pumps with the clear heels, and he’s terrified of having to give them back.

5. Justice can wait; Rove has to attend Mariah’s Six Flags wedding reception first.

4. If it doesn’t involve getting soused and rapping, Rove isn’t interested.

3. Rove doesn’t like the way he looks wearing orange, ankle cuffs, and picking up trash along the highway.

2. 1st Rule: You do not talk about what goes on in Bush Club. 2nd Rule: You do NOT talk about what goes on in Bush Club.

And the number one reason Karl Rove won’t be testifying is…

1. Can’t afford to drive over to the courthouse because the price of gas is so freakin’ high!

Read More: Karl Rove, Governor Don Siegelman, House Judiciary Committee, corruption charges, bribery, Justice Department

You can tell a lot about a candidate by the way she runs her presidential campaign. Presumably, she’ll run the country the same way if she’s elected president.

In Hillary’s case, that means good and bad news.

First, the bad news: Hillary’s campaign is running up more debt. If she becomes president, that’s very bad news since the United States is already in the hole over $9 trillion.

The good news is that even under overwhelming odds, Hillary will never say die — even when others like Slate magazine begin holding a Hillary Clinton Nomination Death Watch.

But, as if to prove she intends to steer her campaign’s ship all the way to the ocean floor, Hillary has come to Extreme Candidate Makeover to give her a boost.

10 Reasons Why Hillary Won’t Quit

While Extreme Candidate Makeover obliged Ms. Hillary with some new looks (see the awesome results to the right…), she divulged to the makeup artist 10 Reasons Hillary Won’t Quit:

10. She needs to stay in the race to get a definitive list of traitorous super-delegates to pass on to her post-election hitmen.

9. Although she has already misspoke about dodging snipers in Bosnia, there are still many more things she wishes to misspeak about.

8. If John McCain can claim Vladimir Putin is the president of Germany and still find support in America, Hillary’s got a heckuva chance, too.

7. Hillary’s campaign is the premier fight against discrimination in America, and everybody knows she’s twice as much female as Barack Obama is black.

6. Because somebody has to answer the phone to accept the nomination, and if that call comes at 3 AM she has vowed to answer it better than Obama.

5. Americans let George W. Bush in the White House twice. They clearly want a lying malignant narcissist as their leader. Hillary fits the bill!

4. To quote Hillary: “As God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll get to start my own no-good war and land on an aircraft carrier in my own flight suit. And Rhett…I mean Billy Jefferson, too. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, one day I’ll be the one declaring Mission Accomplished!”

3. “The thought of Monica Lewinsky and cigars still make me feel very insecure. I believe getting elected leader of the free world, getting to carry — maybe even use — the nuclear football…yes, I believe that will alleviate most, if not all, of my insecurities. And fixing my insecurities…that’s worth so much more, to me, than the health of the Democratic party or the greater course of human civilization.”

2. Because she’s already made the deal with Diebold, and paid them more than John McCain, so it should definitely be her in the general election.

And the number one reason Hillary won’t quit…

1. If she doesn’t become president, at the end of the day she’ll have to store all her shoes in Bill’s library.

Don’t forget to catch Extreme Candidate Makeover: John McCain.

Read More: Hillary Clinton, extreme makeover, 2008 election, candidates, style finder

Most of us don’t want to be the fascist leader of a New World Order, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to be happy from a Texas blockhead who does.

George W. Bush, the ingrate responsible for much of the world’s grief, offers the following tips that make his life a happier life, despite the loud sucking noise in his country. Maybe they can work for you, too.

1. Experiment to find out what makes you happy. Different things make different people happy. If you aren’t sure what your hot spots are, experiment. Try eavesdropping on your friends. Tell a lie that gets somebody killed. Or just drink and drive. Find out what you enjoy most.
2. Surround yourself with others who are happy. Try to avoid tired, poor, homeless huddled wretched refuse, even if they’re yearning to breathe free. They’ll drag you down. Instead, stick with the storied pomp. Their easy way with success will rub off on you. You’ll learn how to pass the buck with a smile and keep on truckin’.
3. Count your blessings. When something bad happens, like Dick Cheney letting hijackers attack New York or the worst hurricane ever hitting New Orleans, try not to focus on it. Instead, read a book about a pet goat, or play a guitar.
4. Think solutions. Instead of thinking about problems, move to the next step: how to solve it. When someone says to me, “Oh, there’s no reason to invade Iraq,” or “Oh, the people ain’t gonna give us no more war profits,” or “Man, the Geneva Convention says torture is a war crime,” I just ask them, “Well, what’s the solution?” Most of the time, it’s easy as telling a lie and barring further discussion due to state secrets that could threaten national security. Try solution-oriented thinking and you’ll be much happier.
5. Accept things. Sometimes it’s hard to realize we can’t control the world. We have to understand and love every person of every color and faith, even if they have more oil than we…WTF? Who’s writing this load of hokey!?
6. Take time to savor life. Instead of rushing from one crisis to another, resolve to have less to do each day, less appointments and fewer tasks. Then do each thing slowly, with ignorance, and try to be absent. Just go to Camp David, or Kennebunkport, or the ranch in Crawford. Stay gone for over a whole month.
7. Treat yourself. Take a few minutes each day to give yourself a little treat, whether that’s something like a bubble bath, or walking barefoot in the grass, or riding your bike. Forget about the war on everything. You deserve it.
8. Follow your passion. If you do what you love to do, you’ll be extremely happy. This is one of the best things you can do. If it seems impossible, don’t give up. Saddam bombed Iran and you can too.
9. Look at your achievements. Instead of looking at your huge number of colossal failures, think about anything good you may have contributed to the world. If, like me, you can’t come up with anything, just smile and continue with the next tip.
10. Laugh. Just the simple act of laughing can make you happier. Just look at war widows. Or war orphans. Or vets without legs. And laugh your head off.

    Seriously…laugh your head off.

Read More: George W. Bush, Happiness

10. Wants to high-tail it to Dubai before his upcoming dirty bomb false flag operation clogs America with radioactive SUVs and riot police.

9. After the 2006 election, Bush told Rove he might be more helpful botching somebody’s Democratic campaign.

8. Wants to finally get his college degree, which he failed to earn while dodging the draft at a parade of colleges between 1969 and 1973.

7. Further convinced the answer to all is WAR, Rove is secretly relocating to New Orlean’s Ninth Ward, refurbishing a gutted house with a surface-to-air rocket launcher, stocking scores of Depleted Uranium warheads, and preparing to launch a preemptive attack against the next tropical storm that threatens to become a hurricane.

6. Needs time off to help produce TV advertisements for the burgeoning Swift Boat Veterans for Unlikely Whoppers and Sanctimonious Hypocrisy group.

5. After blowing the cover of agent Valerie Plame, Rove is entirely swamped with urgent requests to betray more CIA agents with husbands who tell the truth.

4. Rove is unable to continue functioning after discovering that his biological father had another son…that Don Siegelman, the Alabama governor Rove put in prison, is…actually…HIS OWN STEPBROTHER!!! AIGHHHHH!

3. After firing every last attorney in Washington, Rove wants to let somebody else get a shot.

2. Fell prey to Hillary Clinton’s covert operation, RapRove, whose players posed as hip-hop talent scounts and convinced Rove to pursue his non-talent in the music industry.

And the number one reason Karl Rove resigned:

1. After years advising Bush, just got tired of propping up a second-rate boneheaded dictator.

Read More: Karl Rove, Resignation