What is unquestionably the earliest draft of the American Declaration of Independence was discovered last Thursday inside the frame of an old picture that a Philadelphia financial analyst bought for $4 at a flea market in Adamstown, PA.

Two forensic specialists hired by ABC News have independently concluded that the document is indeed the earliest original rough draft known to exist.

Jefferson, Franklin Lacked Writing Skills

“The text in these document am very rough,” said Miriam Newbiggin, an archivist at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston who was recently shown the document. “It really done brung into question the writings aptitude of Jefferson and Franklin. Both is supposed to be cream of the crop, far as colonial prose writers goes. Now, I wonders.”

The Original Draft Declaration

The original rough draft is printed below in its entirety:

As plain as the nose on the face of King “spend-all-our-money-on-his-empire” George, every hooligan is created equal as the corrupt banker, or cheap tart, or an exciting priest…you get the idea. We should all be free to live our own lives how we want, where we want, with whichever gender we want, smoking and drinking what we want, free from…what’s his name? By George, his name is Hades!

Yes, I’ve said it. Hell hath a name. That name: King George!

I tell you, stable floors are littered with faecal entities more deserving of dignity than George, whose vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare!

(Note in margin: “Thine hand might tone this down a bit, Tommy. -Benny F.”)

No! King George, I call you out! Bilesome bigot, you brash bragadisme. Your mere existence has for me offered proof there is no God, no hope, no justice and the most miserable future for humankind. Have you any idea how agonisingly juvenile you are? Your head is filled with the dust from the half-dozen or so thoughts you have managed to snare within your lifetime.

(Note in margin: “Replace the entire paragraph, perhaps: ‘George — the compost bin of creation.’ -Benny F.”)

The totality of empire’s warmongering and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. Believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. I have sometimes thought that one day righteousness might be restored in the world by some simple act, such as you swallowing your tongue. But alas, I fear you are too busy flapping it in the breeze to ever swallow the horrible truth. To have you enter a room is the social equivalent of walking up to someone with a wet, cold, soiled nappy and slapping it in their face.

The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. Georrrrrrrge! If the single-celled proto-slimes that oozed out of the earth’s ancient muds had any inkling they would give rise to you they would have slid back into the filth from whence they came!!!

(Note in margin: “Good heavens! Does Miss Sally always stroll your home in gift Parisian lingerie?! The kitchen needs me. I shall return briefly. -Benny F.”)

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the…the…necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them…doesn’t make sense does it…as we hold the rest of mankind? Enemies in War, yes, and in Peace Friends. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence blah blah blah Santa Claus, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, our sacred Honor, maybe our gold, but never our hard-brewed ale. Stick it, England!

It’s rumored that Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were highly indepted to Blue Swami’s Hate Letter Generator.

Read More: April fools day jokes, American Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, King George

You can tell a lot about a candidate by the way she runs her presidential campaign. Presumably, she’ll run the country the same way if she’s elected president.

In Hillary’s case, that means good and bad news.

First, the bad news: Hillary’s campaign is running up more debt. If she becomes president, that’s very bad news since the United States is already in the hole over $9 trillion.

The good news is that even under overwhelming odds, Hillary will never say die — even when others like Slate magazine begin holding a Hillary Clinton Nomination Death Watch.

But, as if to prove she intends to steer her campaign’s ship all the way to the ocean floor, Hillary has come to Extreme Candidate Makeover to give her a boost.

10 Reasons Why Hillary Won’t Quit

While Extreme Candidate Makeover obliged Ms. Hillary with some new looks (see the awesome results to the right…), she divulged to the makeup artist 10 Reasons Hillary Won’t Quit:

10. She needs to stay in the race to get a definitive list of traitorous super-delegates to pass on to her post-election hitmen.

9. Although she has already misspoke about dodging snipers in Bosnia, there are still many more things she wishes to misspeak about.

8. If John McCain can claim Vladimir Putin is the president of Germany and still find support in America, Hillary’s got a heckuva chance, too.

7. Hillary’s campaign is the premier fight against discrimination in America, and everybody knows she’s twice as much female as Barack Obama is black.

6. Because somebody has to answer the phone to accept the nomination, and if that call comes at 3 AM she has vowed to answer it better than Obama.

5. Americans let George W. Bush in the White House twice. They clearly want a lying malignant narcissist as their leader. Hillary fits the bill!

4. To quote Hillary: “As God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll get to start my own no-good war and land on an aircraft carrier in my own flight suit. And Rhett…I mean Billy Jefferson, too. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, one day I’ll be the one declaring Mission Accomplished!”

3. “The thought of Monica Lewinsky and cigars still make me feel very insecure. I believe getting elected leader of the free world, getting to carry — maybe even use — the nuclear football…yes, I believe that will alleviate most, if not all, of my insecurities. And fixing my insecurities…that’s worth so much more, to me, than the health of the Democratic party or the greater course of human civilization.”

2. Because she’s already made the deal with Diebold, and paid them more than John McCain, so it should definitely be her in the general election.

And the number one reason Hillary won’t quit…

1. If she doesn’t become president, at the end of the day she’ll have to store all her shoes in Bill’s library.

Don’t forget to catch Extreme Candidate Makeover: John McCain.

Read More: Hillary Clinton, extreme makeover, 2008 election, candidates, style finder

Following is the complete Hard-boiled Dreams of the World interview with Dick Cheney by guest interviewer Britney Spears:

Britney: You’re so creeping me out. I mean, your whole face is like one big freak flag. Let’s get this over with. Let’s get right to it, Dick: What’s up with this new fake bin Laden tape?

Cheney: I don’t buy the premise of your question, Britney. Simply stated, there is no doubt Osama bin Laden is alive. There is no doubt he is still the gravest of threats to the United States of America, and also to the freedom-loving peoples of the world. That, Britney, is exactly why your government must have the right to jail people, the right to bar them from seeing an attorney, and the right to keep them locked up without pressing charges for as long as any nameless threat requires — maybe forever.

Britney: But he’s DEAD! Admit it! In the bin Laden video released in December, 2001, he’s barely moving the left side of his body. He’s clearly got diabetes. He has low blood pressure. He’s got a wound in his foot. He’s on kidney dialysis–

Cheney: If there’s a 1% chance that bin Laden is still alive, we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our–

Britney: Look, Dick, Pakistan’s president said bin Laden was dead over six years ago. Afghanistan’s president says bin Laden is probably dead, too. The FBI’s counter-terrorism chief said Osama bin Laden was probably dead as far back as July, 2002. And the Pakistan Observer even ran a story about bin Laden’s funeral. He’s dead, already!

Cheney: Bin Laden is alive, probably in Iraq. Maybe Iran. He wants to kill your children. We have good reason to believe he’s turned to cannibalism.

Britney: Sacred pig, Dick. Your entire life is entirely satisfictitious! The U.S. Military just released an exhaustive study clearly stating there was no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda. And then, last week there you were lying about make-believe connections again, like anybody still believes anything that comes out of your crooked little mouth…

Cheney: The evidence is overwhelming, Britney. It goes back to the early ’90s. It involves a whole series of contacts, high-level contacts with Osama bin Laden and Iraqi intelligence officials and Graceland and–

Britney: Scuz me? Did you say “Graceland”?

Cheney: Just to give you one example, Britney. Remember Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a Jordanian terrorist, an al-Qaeda affiliate. Elvis Presley funded his training camp in Afghanistan for al-Qaeda.

Britney: But, like, Elvis is dead!

Cheney: Al-Qaeda is betting that you believe Elvis is dead. They’re counting on it. They can’t beat us in a stand-up fight. So, they’re betting that when we go after Elvis for funding al-Qaeda, the American People will insist that Elvis is dead and go home. If that happens, they win.

Britney: Elvis is NOT alive, and he’s NOT funding al-Qaeda. Why would he? I’m seriously choking on bafflegarb! What crapeteria is selling you this barfulous chuck?

Cheney: Reliable intelligence. Very reliable intelligence. We know for a fact that Elvis is funding an extensive al-Qaeda push to create jihad within the United States. We’ve taped phone calls between Osama bin Laden and his new second-in-command…he’s already in this country, right now, in Missouri. His name is Frank James. He has a younger brother, Jesse, actively recruiting–

Britney: Holy crappopotamus. Frank and Jesse James are dead. They are NOT going to attack Americans, at least not in this century.

Cheney: That’s just what al-Qaeda hopes you believe.

Britney: Dick, you’re a seriously paranoid old faloney.

Cheney: Everybody wants to kill us, Britney. A Dictatorship is the only thing that can save us.

Britney: You’ve had one too many fascist crappacinos, Dick.

Cheney: Dictatorship. Say it over and over…after a while, it gets to where it doesn’t sound so bad.

Read More: Dick Cheney, Britney Spears, Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda, terrorism, Iraq, war on terror, Elvis Presley, Jesse James

All you need do is look through the money in your pocket to realize that U.S. Presidents before our time had more style.

They wore wigs, top hats, fancy stockings, and impressive moustache-beard-mutton-chop combos.

In contrast, today’s candidates attempt to look like Ken Carson (Barbie’s ex boyfriend) dressed in tiresome 1980’s IBM employee attire, and that includes Hillary, too.

It’s time for that to change, and today, we’re starting with McCain…

Grow Some Hair!

The first makeover recomendation for McCain is to get rid of that white patch of dried combover scalp.

Sure, this is going to drastically reduce the amount of sunlight reflected back into space. Yes, that means it’s going to contribute to global warming. But really, which is worse?

Grow some hair, dude!

Chasing Robert Plant

Some of us need fewer baby steps than others, and I think McCain will feel comfortable wearing hair right off the bat.

I’m also positive McCain is a “more is always better” kind of guy (witness his cheerleading for The Surge in Iraq.)

With those observations in pocket, the logic is irrefutable: McCain could enter his 80s Heavy Metal Hair stage in no time flat.

Toning Down His Rock Star

Eventually, bomb-bomb-bomb-Iran McCain will settle down and enjoy his new locks in a more mature, but still less than one-foot-in-the-grave, rock doo.

I’d suggest he add some shades, too, which will prevent all those candid red-eye and caught-in-mid-blink fan shots.

Now, THIS is the McCain corporate America would love to see exterminate the middle class!

White House Glamour

If fate, uninformed voters, and the crooks at Diebold put McCain in the White House, he should consider throwing caution to the wind on Inauguration Day.

I’d suggest something very up, a little down, and a lot more blond.

This look will serve McCain well through state dinners, gala receptions, and holiday greeting card photos…all the way through his second term when he turns 102.

Coming up…

Stay tuned and watch Hillary’s new moustache turn heads. It’s coming your way on the next episode of…Extreme Candidate Makeover!

Read More: John McCain, makeover, candidates, style

Most of us don’t want to be the fascist leader of a New World Order, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to be happy from a Texas blockhead who does.

George W. Bush, the ingrate responsible for much of the world’s grief, offers the following tips that make his life a happier life, despite the loud sucking noise in his country. Maybe they can work for you, too.

1. Experiment to find out what makes you happy. Different things make different people happy. If you aren’t sure what your hot spots are, experiment. Try eavesdropping on your friends. Tell a lie that gets somebody killed. Or just drink and drive. Find out what you enjoy most.
2. Surround yourself with others who are happy. Try to avoid tired, poor, homeless huddled wretched refuse, even if they’re yearning to breathe free. They’ll drag you down. Instead, stick with the storied pomp. Their easy way with success will rub off on you. You’ll learn how to pass the buck with a smile and keep on truckin’.
3. Count your blessings. When something bad happens, like Dick Cheney letting hijackers attack New York or the worst hurricane ever hitting New Orleans, try not to focus on it. Instead, read a book about a pet goat, or play a guitar.
4. Think solutions. Instead of thinking about problems, move to the next step: how to solve it. When someone says to me, “Oh, there’s no reason to invade Iraq,” or “Oh, the people ain’t gonna give us no more war profits,” or “Man, the Geneva Convention says torture is a war crime,” I just ask them, “Well, what’s the solution?” Most of the time, it’s easy as telling a lie and barring further discussion due to state secrets that could threaten national security. Try solution-oriented thinking and you’ll be much happier.
5. Accept things. Sometimes it’s hard to realize we can’t control the world. We have to understand and love every person of every color and faith, even if they have more oil than we…WTF? Who’s writing this load of hokey!?
6. Take time to savor life. Instead of rushing from one crisis to another, resolve to have less to do each day, less appointments and fewer tasks. Then do each thing slowly, with ignorance, and try to be absent. Just go to Camp David, or Kennebunkport, or the ranch in Crawford. Stay gone for over a whole month.
7. Treat yourself. Take a few minutes each day to give yourself a little treat, whether that’s something like a bubble bath, or walking barefoot in the grass, or riding your bike. Forget about the war on everything. You deserve it.
8. Follow your passion. If you do what you love to do, you’ll be extremely happy. This is one of the best things you can do. If it seems impossible, don’t give up. Saddam bombed Iran and you can too.
9. Look at your achievements. Instead of looking at your huge number of colossal failures, think about anything good you may have contributed to the world. If, like me, you can’t come up with anything, just smile and continue with the next tip.
10. Laugh. Just the simple act of laughing can make you happier. Just look at war widows. Or war orphans. Or vets without legs. And laugh your head off.

    Seriously…laugh your head off.

Read More: George W. Bush, Happiness