Following is the complete Hard-boiled Dreams of the World interview with Dick Cheney by guest interviewer Britney Spears:

Britney: You’re so creeping me out. I mean, your whole face is like one big freak flag. Let’s get this over with. Let’s get right to it, Dick: What’s up with this new fake bin Laden tape?

Cheney: I don’t buy the premise of your question, Britney. Simply stated, there is no doubt Osama bin Laden is alive. There is no doubt he is still the gravest of threats to the United States of America, and also to the freedom-loving peoples of the world. That, Britney, is exactly why your government must have the right to jail people, the right to bar them from seeing an attorney, and the right to keep them locked up without pressing charges for as long as any nameless threat requires — maybe forever.

Britney: But he’s DEAD! Admit it! In the bin Laden video released in December, 2001, he’s barely moving the left side of his body. He’s clearly got diabetes. He has low blood pressure. He’s got a wound in his foot. He’s on kidney dialysis–

Cheney: If there’s a 1% chance that bin Laden is still alive, we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our–

Britney: Look, Dick, Pakistan’s president said bin Laden was dead over six years ago. Afghanistan’s president says bin Laden is probably dead, too. The FBI’s counter-terrorism chief said Osama bin Laden was probably dead as far back as July, 2002. And the Pakistan Observer even ran a story about bin Laden’s funeral. He’s dead, already!

Cheney: Bin Laden is alive, probably in Iraq. Maybe Iran. He wants to kill your children. We have good reason to believe he’s turned to cannibalism.

Britney: Sacred pig, Dick. Your entire life is entirely satisfictitious! The U.S. Military just released an exhaustive study clearly stating there was no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda. And then, last week there you were lying about make-believe connections again, like anybody still believes anything that comes out of your crooked little mouth…

Cheney: The evidence is overwhelming, Britney. It goes back to the early ’90s. It involves a whole series of contacts, high-level contacts with Osama bin Laden and Iraqi intelligence officials and Graceland and–

Britney: Scuz me? Did you say “Graceland”?

Cheney: Just to give you one example, Britney. Remember Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a Jordanian terrorist, an al-Qaeda affiliate. Elvis Presley funded his training camp in Afghanistan for al-Qaeda.

Britney: But, like, Elvis is dead!

Cheney: Al-Qaeda is betting that you believe Elvis is dead. They’re counting on it. They can’t beat us in a stand-up fight. So, they’re betting that when we go after Elvis for funding al-Qaeda, the American People will insist that Elvis is dead and go home. If that happens, they win.

Britney: Elvis is NOT alive, and he’s NOT funding al-Qaeda. Why would he? I’m seriously choking on bafflegarb! What crapeteria is selling you this barfulous chuck?

Cheney: Reliable intelligence. Very reliable intelligence. We know for a fact that Elvis is funding an extensive al-Qaeda push to create jihad within the United States. We’ve taped phone calls between Osama bin Laden and his new second-in-command…he’s already in this country, right now, in Missouri. His name is Frank James. He has a younger brother, Jesse, actively recruiting–

Britney: Holy crappopotamus. Frank and Jesse James are dead. They are NOT going to attack Americans, at least not in this century.

Cheney: That’s just what al-Qaeda hopes you believe.

Britney: Dick, you’re a seriously paranoid old faloney.

Cheney: Everybody wants to kill us, Britney. A Dictatorship is the only thing that can save us.

Britney: You’ve had one too many fascist crappacinos, Dick.

Cheney: Dictatorship. Say it over and over…after a while, it gets to where it doesn’t sound so bad.

Read More: Dick Cheney, Britney Spears, Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda, terrorism, Iraq, war on terror, Elvis Presley, Jesse James

All you need do is look through the money in your pocket to realize that U.S. Presidents before our time had more style.

They wore wigs, top hats, fancy stockings, and impressive moustache-beard-mutton-chop combos.

In contrast, today’s candidates attempt to look like Ken Carson (Barbie’s ex boyfriend) dressed in tiresome 1980’s IBM employee attire, and that includes Hillary, too.

It’s time for that to change, and today, we’re starting with McCain…

Grow Some Hair!

The first makeover recomendation for McCain is to get rid of that white patch of dried combover scalp.

Sure, this is going to drastically reduce the amount of sunlight reflected back into space. Yes, that means it’s going to contribute to global warming. But really, which is worse?

Grow some hair, dude!

Chasing Robert Plant

Some of us need fewer baby steps than others, and I think McCain will feel comfortable wearing hair right off the bat.

I’m also positive McCain is a “more is always better” kind of guy (witness his cheerleading for The Surge in Iraq.)

With those observations in pocket, the logic is irrefutable: McCain could enter his 80s Heavy Metal Hair stage in no time flat.

Toning Down His Rock Star

Eventually, bomb-bomb-bomb-Iran McCain will settle down and enjoy his new locks in a more mature, but still less than one-foot-in-the-grave, rock doo.

I’d suggest he add some shades, too, which will prevent all those candid red-eye and caught-in-mid-blink fan shots.

Now, THIS is the McCain corporate America would love to see exterminate the middle class!

White House Glamour

If fate, uninformed voters, and the crooks at Diebold put McCain in the White House, he should consider throwing caution to the wind on Inauguration Day.

I’d suggest something very up, a little down, and a lot more blond.

This look will serve McCain well through state dinners, gala receptions, and holiday greeting card photos…all the way through his second term when he turns 102.

Coming up…

Stay tuned and watch Hillary’s new moustache turn heads. It’s coming your way on the next episode of…Extreme Candidate Makeover!

Read More: John McCain, makeover, candidates, style

Most of us don’t want to be the fascist leader of a New World Order, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to be happy from a Texas blockhead who does.

George W. Bush, the ingrate responsible for much of the world’s grief, offers the following tips that make his life a happier life, despite the loud sucking noise in his country. Maybe they can work for you, too.

1. Experiment to find out what makes you happy. Different things make different people happy. If you aren’t sure what your hot spots are, experiment. Try eavesdropping on your friends. Tell a lie that gets somebody killed. Or just drink and drive. Find out what you enjoy most.
2. Surround yourself with others who are happy. Try to avoid tired, poor, homeless huddled wretched refuse, even if they’re yearning to breathe free. They’ll drag you down. Instead, stick with the storied pomp. Their easy way with success will rub off on you. You’ll learn how to pass the buck with a smile and keep on truckin’.
3. Count your blessings. When something bad happens, like Dick Cheney letting hijackers attack New York or the worst hurricane ever hitting New Orleans, try not to focus on it. Instead, read a book about a pet goat, or play a guitar.
4. Think solutions. Instead of thinking about problems, move to the next step: how to solve it. When someone says to me, “Oh, there’s no reason to invade Iraq,” or “Oh, the people ain’t gonna give us no more war profits,” or “Man, the Geneva Convention says torture is a war crime,” I just ask them, “Well, what’s the solution?” Most of the time, it’s easy as telling a lie and barring further discussion due to state secrets that could threaten national security. Try solution-oriented thinking and you’ll be much happier.
5. Accept things. Sometimes it’s hard to realize we can’t control the world. We have to understand and love every person of every color and faith, even if they have more oil than we…WTF? Who’s writing this load of hokey!?
6. Take time to savor life. Instead of rushing from one crisis to another, resolve to have less to do each day, less appointments and fewer tasks. Then do each thing slowly, with ignorance, and try to be absent. Just go to Camp David, or Kennebunkport, or the ranch in Crawford. Stay gone for over a whole month.
7. Treat yourself. Take a few minutes each day to give yourself a little treat, whether that’s something like a bubble bath, or walking barefoot in the grass, or riding your bike. Forget about the war on everything. You deserve it.
8. Follow your passion. If you do what you love to do, you’ll be extremely happy. This is one of the best things you can do. If it seems impossible, don’t give up. Saddam bombed Iran and you can too.
9. Look at your achievements. Instead of looking at your huge number of colossal failures, think about anything good you may have contributed to the world. If, like me, you can’t come up with anything, just smile and continue with the next tip.
10. Laugh. Just the simple act of laughing can make you happier. Just look at war widows. Or war orphans. Or vets without legs. And laugh your head off.

    Seriously…laugh your head off.

Read More: George W. Bush, Happiness

10. Wants to high-tail it to Dubai before his upcoming dirty bomb false flag operation clogs America with radioactive SUVs and riot police.

9. After the 2006 election, Bush told Rove he might be more helpful botching somebody’s Democratic campaign.

8. Wants to finally get his college degree, which he failed to earn while dodging the draft at a parade of colleges between 1969 and 1973.

7. Further convinced the answer to all is WAR, Rove is secretly relocating to New Orlean’s Ninth Ward, refurbishing a gutted house with a surface-to-air rocket launcher, stocking scores of Depleted Uranium warheads, and preparing to launch a preemptive attack against the next tropical storm that threatens to become a hurricane.

6. Needs time off to help produce TV advertisements for the burgeoning Swift Boat Veterans for Unlikely Whoppers and Sanctimonious Hypocrisy group.

5. After blowing the cover of agent Valerie Plame, Rove is entirely swamped with urgent requests to betray more CIA agents with husbands who tell the truth.

4. Rove is unable to continue functioning after discovering that his biological father had another son…that Don Siegelman, the Alabama governor Rove put in prison, is…actually…HIS OWN STEPBROTHER!!! AIGHHHHH!

3. After firing every last attorney in Washington, Rove wants to let somebody else get a shot.

2. Fell prey to Hillary Clinton’s covert operation, RapRove, whose players posed as hip-hop talent scounts and convinced Rove to pursue his non-talent in the music industry.

And the number one reason Karl Rove resigned:

1. After years advising Bush, just got tired of propping up a second-rate boneheaded dictator.

Read More: Karl Rove, Resignation

In March 2005, Popular Mechanics published an article called Debunking The 9/11 Myths, that denigrated all unofficial 9/11 conspiracy theories while exalting the official 9/11 conspiracy fairy tale.

Since then, the Popular Mechanics article has been thoroughly exposed as hogwash, and Popular Mechanics has loosed its inferior and wanting investigative experts on another growing community of U.S. citizens who hunger for the truth about a different event: What Really Happened on 12/25? :-)

The full article is reprinted below…

Debunking 12/25 Myths

FROM THE MOMENT the first gifts were spotted beneath millions of U.S. Christmas trees on the morning of December 25, the world has asked one simple and compelling question: How could it happen?

Seven months later, not everyone is convinced we know the truth.

Go to Google.com, type in the search phrase “Santa Claus conspiracy” and you’ll get links to thousands of Web sites. It will baffle and surprise most Americans to discover how many of these sites reject the official consensus that nine reindeer flew Santa Claus and a sleigh onto U.S. rooftops in the early hours of 12/25.

Healthy skepticism, it seems, has curdled into paranoia. Wild conspiracy tales are peddled daily on the Internet, talk radio and in other media. Blurry photos, quotes taken out of context and sketchy eyewitness accounts have inspired a slew of elaborate theories:

• There was no “red-nosed” reindeer, or there were only eight reindeer. Some claim there were no reindeer at all.

• Some U.S. parents actually had advance knowledge that Santa and the elves were determined to break and enter on 12/25, but these parents let it happen on purpose anyway.

• The Santa gifts were only one facet of a vast marketing scheme perpetrated by parents with additional help from Toys “R” Us.

  (Not surprisingly, this theory’s proponents fail to address why parents would scheme to rid themselves of their own hard-earned cash. “Follow the money,” one PM expert suggested, “and it all goes to the children.” Simply put: there is no motive.)

• Perhaps most outlandish of all, some theorize Santa Claus doesn’t even exist. Instead, they say, the immortal magic elf was perpetuated by one or more actors who somehow managed to show up and be photographed at every shopping center in every city in every state almost every single day between Thanksgiving and Christmas!

As outlandish as these claims may sound, they are increasingly accepted abroad and among extremists here in the United States.

The Santa Claus Truth movement

The Santa Claus Truth movement is a very troublesome development in American society. What was once a laudable attempt to encourage the public into critical thinking about Santa Claus has devolved into religious devotion to a Santa Clause conspiracy cult that makes a living peddling nonsense and exploiting ignorance.

Perhaps most troubling of all is the fact that most of these “Truth” cults are increasingly targeting America’s youth.

Of new converts who have, in the past month, rejected the official 12/25 Santa Claus explanation, over 90% were youth under the age of 13. “These are our children, our future,” says an anonymous high-thinking war lemming. “They are being targeted, mostly, by children their age who’ve already succumbed to popular delusions, when critical thinking should make it clear that Santa Claus brought down those presents.”

Let’s take a closer look at some of the most popular 12/25 delusions…

Omniscience of Parents

Many theories espoused by Santa Truth members purpose parental facilitation or complicity in the 12/25 Santa Claus gift event.

These theories, by definition, assume that U.S. parents are competent, all powerful, all seeing entities. But U.S. parents are obviously none of these things. Yet Santa Truth theorists would have us believe a nation full of incompetent parents can be totally competent when it comes to organizing a massive gift event and keeping information about the conspiracy totally sealed shut.

A radical analysis of 12/25 that is ignored by leftists and activists in the Santa Truth movement is the fact that the 12/25 gift event itself illustrated how disorganized, incompetent and weak U.S. parents really are. Surely, if these parents could plan and execute a conspiracy on such a massive scale, they would not fail to provide batteries for the very toys they are purported to have secretly purchased in advance!

Further analysis reveals a high percentage of gift clothes that did not fit intended recipients — in most cases, close relatives. An anonymous, but high-ranking member in the Vice President’s office offered this:

That a caring, loving parent could pull off a secret operation of 12/25 magnitude, and yet fail to acquire the correctly-sized camouflage hunting cap for their small loved one…whom they know intimately and share a trailer and bowling ball with…that’s categorically preposterous beyond my drunk fool turkey imagination.

Summary

There is no better explanation for 12/25 than the official Santa Claus story.

Don’t think for yourself. Don’t open your mind to reason. Don’t check the facts. If it’s broken let your grandkids fix it.

Go back to sleep.

Read More: Santa Claus conspiracy, 12/25, Popular Mechanics, 9/11