Fifty Random Things
Between work overtime, income taxes, pinewood derbies, and finally getting around to reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, I’ve neglected Hard-boiled Dreams more than usual the past couple of weeks. And I don’t know if it’s sunspots or what, but lately something has dialed up the attraction between the magnet in the couch and the lead in my arse. And even when I started to blog a couple of nights ago, I got sidetracked in awestruck wonder watching Jon Stewart relentlessly smack down Jim Cramer. And then Dick Cheney crawled out from under his rock again. I started to blog about Dick, but now he’s just boring with his psychotic delusional twisted in-the-minority racist hateful and fearful scaredy-cat grinch-hearted demeanor now that he’s a powerless bitter old man who even Bush started snubbing before leaving office.
And then I checked Facebook, and I was tagged with the Fifty Random Things meme. What a time sink, that Facebook! What a maddeningly addictive waste! I couldn’t help myself…
So, if you’re up for it, consider yourself tagged…just copy, paste, fill in your own answers, post to your own blog. It’s an extraordinary waste of your time and as well as the time of everybody that reads it, but by golly, it’s the meaningless sort of thing we little folk will fondly remember doing during the biggest-since depression while the bankers were pulling down tax-funded bonuses and jumping out their windows.
On with the list:
1.You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station: Beef Jerky, boiled peanuts if they have them, and a Coke or coffee or water depending on how thirsty and early it is.
2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be? Dolphin.
3. Who’s your favorite redhead? Dana Scully.
4. What do you order at IHOP? I try not to.
5. Last book you read? The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America, by Erik Larson. True tale of the architects behind the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair and the mass murderer who preyed upon young lonely women who attended.
6. Describe your mood: I’m Euphoric…the world is coming at me in high-definition 3D, in surround sound. The yapping clawing dog outside my living room door looks and sounds like he’s really right in front of me…it’s amazing…I could sit here and marvel at how lifelike he looks for hours…yapping…and clawing…hey! He even looks like he’s getting more pissed the longer I watch. I love reality entertainment!
7. Describe the last time you were injured? The last thing that left a scar was about five years ago…half-awake, walking out of a gas station about 7 AM, and pushed the door open pretty hard…it hit the stop and rebounded quicker than I was expecting and the edge laid open my right forehead right at the brow. Not bad enough for a butterfly bandage, but I used up a box of tissues on the drive to work.
8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with? My son William. Frickin’ little teenage engineer genius would know how to get out.
9. Rock concert or symphony? Symphony these days — less obnoxiously arrogant teens to tolerate.
10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone? wallpaper…as if. I. Even. Notice. Something as superficial as wallpaper.
11. Favorite Soda? Coke. Regular. No Alzheimer-causing, appetite-inducing, cancerous artificial sweeteners; just good ol’ genetically modified corn syrup for me!
12. What type of shirt are you wearing? maroon Mississippi State polo…you know, the same color of maroon worn by the 2009 SEC Basketball Champions! Give me more cowbell!!!
13. If you could only use one form of transportation: supersonic Joe-powered human flight without a cape (as long as the questions get to plumb hypothetical possibilities, so do the answers…)
14. Most recent movie you have watched in theatres? Gran Torino.
15. Name an actor/actress/singer you have had the hots for: Oscar-winning Louise Fletcher, but only when she’s in her nurse outfit. I mean, no red-blooded male can watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and not secretly hope Louise Fletcher comes through the screen and sits right next to him, and maybe force feeds him some horse-sized anti-psychotic pills. I don’t care if he was acting or not; when Ms. Fletcher escorts Jack Nicholson to his electro-shock therapy, you can tell he is absolutely enjoying every second of it.
16. Whats your favorite kind of cake? A quarter bake sheet of 4-inch-thick, $1400 per oz, pure rhodium.
17. What did you have for dinner last night? 1 can of pinto beans mixed with 1 can of Campbell’s vegetable soup, extra salt and pepper, microwave 4 minutes. Mmmm. MMMMMM. GOOOD!
18. Look to your left, what do you see? My earbuds, sitting on top of an Ipod mini sitting on top of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, sitting on the arm of the couch sitting on the floor on the earth sitting on…sweet Jeezus…we’re…it’s…all falling through space!!!
19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No…but sometimes if they’re too tight I untie my shoes before I put them on.
20. Favorite toy as a child? Two actually…that was back in the 1970s when Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were in Gerald Ford’s cabinet, and one summer Hasbro sold these little Cheney and Rummy action figures, and I would shoot fireworks at them and when they got all hot and melty then GI-Joe would run over them in the Action Team jeep, and right before Mom called me in for supper, I’d use Dad’s claw hammer to beat them flat as a pancake…Ahhh, for those carefree days of childhood, loved playing with Cheney and Rumsfeld.
21. Do you buy your own groceries? no, some bum-looking guy pushing a derelict shopping cart always shows up at Target every week and puts them on his MasterCard…I keep forgetting to ask his name…
22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? Mmm…no. I tend not to be that memorable.
23. Whens the last time you had gummy worms? Whenever one of the kids had ‘em…last Xmas vacation driving to my parents’ maybe?
24. Whats your favorite fruit? California Cutie, you know…the seedless sweet clementines produced by Sun Pacific.
25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel? I do now. A mental picture. I will always treasure it.
26. Do you like running long distances? Not when I have to pee, or my shoes don’t fit, or when there’s no water and a lot of sand dunes and the sun is directly overhead and the apes are chasing me and I just realized the planet I’m on is really earth but only a couple thousand years in the future…but other than that…naaaa, I still don’t really like it.
27. Have you ever eaten snow? Only the white brand.
28. What color are your bedsheets? When the lights are out, no reflected light, physically they have no color.
29. Whats your favorite flower? A non-purchased flower.
30. Do you do ballet? “do” it? Like throw bricks at it?
31. Do you listen to classical music? Yes, but not exclusively.
32. What is the 1st TV Theme song that pops in your head? Mary Tyler Moore theme, actually the Joan Jett remake version, but, you know…it’s time you started living, time to let someone else do some giving…hold the phone, I have a strong urge to throw my toboggan.
33. Do you watch Sponge bob? not regularly…not by a long shot. It’s right below Gilligan’s Island for me…I don’t hate it, just tolerate it, because everybody else seems to like it, but it’s just a tad annoying to me…I’m more of a Bugs Bunny fan, and Daffy Duck is on the edge of my tolerance for Loud and Whiney Schtick…I mean, if you’re going to pull off fart jokes these days you have to offer something drastically new and highly original in a fart joke, and to me Sponge Bob is at least a third recycled fart jokes, just done underwater. The Hasselhoff bit in the theatrical release was pretty funny though.
34. What temperature is it outside right now? 52. Degrees, not Celsius. When I was in sixth grade there was a big push to go metric with every other industrialized nation. As a country, Americans showed the world we’re only smart enough to learn metric if you fill it with 2 liters of Coca-cola.
35. Do people consider you smart? The smartest ones do.
36. How many piercings do you have? Nada.
37. Are you signed on AIM? Nada.
38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together? Elmers, no superglue.
39. How do you feel about your family? Just right.
40. Do you have an iPod? Yep.
41. What time do you go to bed? Between 10:30 and midnight.
42. What CD is currently in your CD player? what’s a CD player…I have an audio book in the one in the car…The White Tiger, a novel.
43. What movie do you know every line to? Groundhog Day. Seriously. I memorized the script during a single day last February that seemed to keep on repeating, and repeating, and repeating…love that movie!
44. What is your favorite salad dressing? Frankly, my dear, I’ve never seen a salad dress, but I have seen a catfish. Yuk yuk yuk!
46. What family member/friend lives the farthest from you? Family - Dee in Austin; friend - Simon in Mozambique.
47. Do you like hugs? Awwwww…Sure. If I said no, I’d look like Hitler or something, now wouldn’t I?
48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? Nope, never ate any.
49. Whats the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? Sometimes they call me: “Hey you #$%@ $%3@!” Not sure how they get so many syllables out of “JOE” unless it’s an abbreviation for something in another language.
50. Last person you hugged? Myself. Just now. Oh, alright…I hugged Jodi today.
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There are a few solutions to get you out of your funk. Easiest and cheapest is medication. Progressing up the ladder you can go to therapy. A more drastic solution is joining a gated community, where you would have your own private room, where they will provide you with a white fitted jacket, nicely padded walls, and where you would receive large doses of medication on a daily basis.
#10 What in the hell is wallpaper????? And why would I put it on my cell phone?????
#8 It shows there is hope for you. It is amazing how you watch your kids age, and see how much they have matured. Most important that if things got tuff, you would be proud to have them at your side, knowing with their help you would come up with a solution. Also now I understand why there was that little gleam in my father’s eye whenever he would introduce me to someone, and he would say “this is MY son Peter. I hope my kids see the same thing, when I introduce them.
All good points, Pelmo! :-)
29. Whats your favorite flower? A non-purchased flower.
Hmmm….. Just the opposite of your wife! Speaking of… I would love to go to the nursery this weekend and pick up somthing pretty for our flower bed.
Joe when you take Jodi to that nursery this weekend, I suggest you slink off to the cut flower section and surprise her with a LARGE bouquet of flowers for screwing up on #29.
For a faux pas such as this I recommend a bouquet in the minimum range of a Jackson. To garner a few brownie points for the future, add a Lincoln and a Hamilton and this may all be forgotten.
Next time let me proof read a commentary to save yourself all this pain and agony
Yep, shoulda had you proof read it, Pelmo! :-) I think Jodi’s been drinking the Kool-Aid of the National Association of High-Priced Florists, but nevertheless, let me clarify: I think purchased flowers are ok, but when I said non-purchased, what I had in mind was something purchased flowers can’t hold a candle to…something like these:
Nice try Joe, just go out and spend some of those dead presidents.
My wife wanted a ham radio for her birthday a few years back. Trying to be funny I purchased one of those two pound canned hams and taped a
transistor radio to it and gave it to her. I am paying to this day for that transgression.
Women don’t have the same warped sense of humor men do.
But if you do run for office, I will vote for you with that line of B.S.
My bad. It’s the Temblor Mountain Range in California, but it really does look like a northern Israel scene in springtime. Similar Mediterranean climate in any case.
Yonatan: Regardless, it’s still a gorgeous sight…a bit of heaven on earth, no? Thanks for the comment and info! :-)
Hahaha…I like that ham radio idea! That’s too funny. Ok, my best friend and lover for life is worth some beautiful flowers, and she’s going to get them this weekend, and probably a date and a show and a bottle of wine, too (we have a babysitter tonight!) How’s that for an offensive retreat? :-)
HOPE YOU HAVE A FUN FILLED WEEKEND…….nights like this repay themselves a thousand times over.
May I suggest a good loaf of French or Italian bread, a chunk of good cheese and a nice sunset to go along with the wine.
My gosh, Joe!
You have a very creative mind.
I just got one of those “I’ll never be as…” thoughts.
Of course, I can take comfort in knowing my real life has been more interesting than some could imagine (but that doesn’t stop Pelmo from trying to imagine;-)
btw, I’m with you on that mountainside of flowers. Truly amazing.
Pelmo, you won’t be able to convince me Joe and Jody wouldn’t have the best picnic of their lives on that hillside…better than a dinner with a nice flower arrangement.
There is a place in the west desert in Utah. I was gathering cows on horseback and entered a thick growth of Russian Olive trees. I broke out of the other side of the trees into an a stunning field of yellow! There I was in a natural field of sunflowers that came up to my knees on horseback. It was as if they had been planted. They were that thick. There was nothing else growing in it. It wasn’t a square field, but a natural shape. You know, like a lake. The shore was the trees surrounding the field/meadow in a sculptured pattern with penisulas and bays and the sunflowers were/was the water. It was about 100 acres. I rode though it with my mouth open looking for cows. Finding none, I went into the trees on the far side of the “lake” and came onto another “lake” of yellow. Just me, the sun, my horse and the sound of the flowers rubbing against my boots and levis as we rode through.
Some things are more deeply imprinted than others.
Just for general information. That beautiful carpet of wildfllowers is in northern Israel in springtime.
Quite a description there Xman. I guess that is how I feel when I walk thru Mier Woods just outside of San Francisco and gaze at all those majestic red wood trees. There are times when we witness something wonderfull and it is really hard to put into words how we really felt.
About a month ago a bald eagle visited my farm for about two hours. It was amazing to watch his acrobatic flight displays. Then watch as he sat in a tree. To much for words.
I know what you mean Pelmo.
Most of my daily life is ordinary and nothing stands out. But then when I see something new…spectacular, like your Eagle, it kind of stuns me.
Summer before last, I spent a week in the redwoods up near Ukiah. The hugeness, the quiet,…it combined to make me think very profound thoughts. I got the same stunned, marvelling reaction when I watched my daughter as she grew up and as I watch my nieces/nephews, at play or in how we communicate. Their uncluttered insights and observations of their world amaze me at their honesty and clarity. I just marvel at the magnificent creations that we all are. That from a guy who has no religion.
Well put Xman. To many people search for that magic, and never realize it is right under their nose. I have had some great teas from around the world. But none could match the pretend teas that I have been served so many times by my granddaughters. And they always came with that loving warning, blow on it grandpa, it’s hot.
That’s what I’m talking about, Pelmo.
I’ve developed a ‘relationship’ with an osprey that sometimes sits in a dead tree across the river. I whistle at him whenever I hear his call/screech. If he sees me first, working in the yard etc, he’ll screech at me. One time he saw me pruning a bald cypress, he abandoned his fishing way down river to come and circle above me me for 15 or 20 minutes til I finished.
That is one cool bird, Makes me feel in touch with something extraordinarily real.
Indigo try and throw a fish on the ground as the osprey is watching you and see if he comes and gets it. Might just make a new friend. It is a cool bird.
Xman, Joe and Indigo we all try to be rough and gruff on the outside and here we are a bunch of softies. As for me I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Pelmo, Pelmo, Pelmo… Oh, man…That bird has much too much dignity for that sort of base treatment. It would be a breach of our social contract. He has fish at will…the world is his oyster. I learn from him, going on several years now.
Soft? It’s only important to be hard at the right time.
Yeah, it IS a beautiful world/quantum dream we’ve got going here, despite the bad patches we stay focused on most of the time. To read all of your comments above, it seems like the wildlife has decided to pour out of the woods lately, so I’ll add to it: yesterday my wife calls me from her car, says she’s at the edge of the driveway and there are two mallard ducks in our front yard. Now, we get a lot of geese flying over from a couple of ponds with colonies in the area, and the occasional rabbit, squirrels, hear a coyote a couple times a year, but we’re in a fairly populated area/suburb — haven’t seen any mallards around here. Anyway, I walked out to try to take a peek without scaring them off, but they took flight — a male and a female. Pretty awesome seeing those ducks right outside the front door.
Between the awesome nature of Nature and stories like Pelmo’s imaginary tea parties, the quantum dream seems like a beautiful world to me.
I started off my day in the porch sitting in the sun and smoking a cigar.
The cat next door came over for a vigorous scratch like he always does and then went into my open garage to explore…like he always does.
I made my way to the pine tree to check out the bird feeder and the cat followed, shaking and twitching his tail like he does in bird territory. He sharpened his claws on the trunk for a bit and then had to rub off some off his winter coat on my pant legs…going round and round.
I long ago gave up avoiding the “love” and am a pretty able lint roller cat hair remover. Then an attractive example of another species emerged from her den and collected her cat…and said: “nice day for a BBQ”. I like knowing when I get my first smile of the day.
Joe,
How do you like the White Tiger? I bought a copy for a family member and they said they liked it. It’s on my list.
Hey John, I liked The White Tiger pretty well. It didn’t become one of my all time favorites, and at the end I didn’t feel like I’d arrived at any huge culmination or anything, but as a story to get immersed into one character’s view of everyday life in India, and the caste system and politics and social system, it was a good listen (I had the audio book.) The character telling the story is full of wit and sarcasm, so the read is never boring…if you’re in the mood for intricate plot and unforeseen twists, etc., this ain’t it, but if you’re in the mood to sit back and listen to a good storyteller weave some magic with a lot of tangents and jokes and social insight along the way, it’s that kind of good.