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Super Gaza Bowl!

The following is a presentation of ABCBSNBESPN Sports.

Super Gaza Bowl Jim: Here we are at halftime, and billions of people across the world have tuned in to the Gaza Strip.

Walter: Not an Olympic-sized venue by any means.

Jim: It’s about six-miles wide on average; runs for 25 miles along the Mediterranean Sea. It’s claimed by Palestine. And what we’re witnessing today is a rout.

Walter: Coming into the game, Palestine considered the Gaza Strip their turf, but honestly, I’m not seeing evidence of a home-field advantage. Israel is pounding them to dust.

Jim: If this continues, the Israel Zionists may hand the Palestine Islamists one of the worst defeats in Super Gaza Bowl history.

Walter: This game is even more surprising after Israel’s anemic offensive performance against Lebanon in the playoffs.

Jim: The Zionists have clearly worked out the kinks. Where Lebanon’s defense — led by veteran Coach Hezbollah — showed the Zionists a lot of different formations, that’s not the case today. In fact, we’ve yet to see much of a defensive strategy at all out of the Palestine Islamists.

Walter: I’m guessing Coach Hamas is trying to come up with one in the locker room right now.

Jim: As well he should. Otherwise the Zionists are going to come out in the third quarter and continue to punish Palestine with a crushing ground game, while firing bombs at will deep into Islamist territory.

Walter: That being said, we do have two more quarters, and in the Super Gaza Bowl, anything can happen!

Jim: Some people may not realize how lucky we are to get to see this game at all. Earlier this week, a large group of left-wing protesters tried to stop the game. They were pleading their case to league officials right up to the kickoff.

Walter: I’m guessing they didn’t have much luck stopping the game?

Jim: Not a chance. When it comes to fans who’ve made it here to the Super Gaza Bowl, football truly is a religion.

Walter: For more about that, along with a brief history of the Super Gaza Bowl, let’s take it to Melissa who’s made it down to the field…

Melissa: Thanks, Walter. This series between the Islamists and Zionists is considered one of the best and most hard-fought rivalries in all of sports. Overall, the Zionists own a sizeable lead in the series, but when it comes to this game all bets are off. The coaches have no problem getting their players fired up for this contest and, as we’ve seen today, the fans are equally fanatical.

To understand why this game is so important to Israel and Palestine, you need to go back to the beginning.

The original Super Gaza Bowl was played in ancient times, but back then the Palestine Islamists were known as the Arab Sheiks. Likewise, the Israeli Zionists were known by a different name: God’s Jews.

Believe it or not, the God’s Jews franchise was located in…Palestine of all places! But that was a long, long time ago — back before the original American Redskins moved out of Washington DC, before the Mexico Stampede moved out of Texas, even before the Spanish Conquistadors left Florida.

For thousands of years Palestine was home to one team: the Arab Sheiks. Their games with God’s Jews took place during the regular season. But all that changed when the Britain Monarchs came to town.

Ever since God’s Jews left Palestine, they were forced to play their games in other teams’ stadiums. By 1917, the Britain Monarchs had grown tired of sharing their stadium with God’s Jews, and that’s when they struck a deal with the International Football League (IFL) so that God’s Jews had to play all their games in the Arab Sheiks’ home stadium. The Arab Sheiks protested, and then the IFL decided to move the games with God’s Jews back to other stadiums across Europe.

But the big problem remained: God’s Jews wanted their own stadium. And after playing in Palestine, they really liked the facilities of the Arab Sheiks.

It all came to a head mid-century when God’s Jews suffered a series of devastating losses to a relatively new franchise: the German Storm Troopers.

The Jews-Storm Troopers games weren’t so much competitions as they were one-sided blowouts. In fact, the games grew so one-sided that sports fans stopped tuning in at all, and for a while, many people didn’t know the games were still being played. This resulted in huge revenue losses, and the IFL decided if it didn’t take action soon, there might not be any future games at all.

So, in 1947, God’s Jews changed the name of their franchise to the Israel Zionists, and the IFL moved them into the home stadium of the Arab Sheiks, forcing the Sheiks to give up half their locker room. This was the same year the Sheiks changed their name to the Palestine Radical Jihad Islamists, or simply “Islamists” as most fans refer to them today.

Now, you might ask: Why would the IFL move God’s Jews into the Arab Sheiks’ stadium? Why not make them share a stadium with the Britain Monarchs? Or the Turkey Turkeys? Or the Russia Mos Cows? If you ask the Islamists, they’ll tell you the other IFL members ganged up on them. However, the chairman of the IFL maintains it was because the Arab Sheiks already had the biggest locker room of any team in the league.

Whatever the case may be, sports fanatics can’t argue with the results: a quintessential intrastate rivalry with intensely loyal fans on both sides. You’d be hard pressed to find a contention with a better combination of history, tradition, and championship implications. And the fire, passion and hate between these two teams is unlike any other. This game literally stops the world.

Back to you, Walter!

Walter: Thanks, Melissa. And just to let you know how big a rivalry this game has become, the United States — the world’s largest football equipment manufacturer — donates $2.5 billion annually to the Israel Zionist franchise.

Jim: Two and a half billion dollars! My goodness. What do you think the Zionists buy with all that money?

Walter: I don’t know Jim, but made-in-the-USA “football equipment” would be my guess.

Jim: Heh-heh. Me too, Walter. And it looks like the two teams are coming back on the field? All we can say for sure is, blowout or not, all the rabid sports fanatics are in for a treat this second half. And you can watch it all, right here on ABCBSNBESPN Sports…

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This entry was posted on Sunday, January 4th, 2009 at 8:43 pm and is filed under History, Politics, Religion, Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

14 Responses to “Super Gaza Bowl!”

Lynne says:

Monday, January 5, 2009 at 8:23 am

A brilliant piece! Thanks. I appreciate good satire.

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Indigobusiness says:

Monday, January 5, 2009 at 11:18 am

No mention of moving goalposts?

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Xman says:

Monday, January 5, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Well done, Joe. One of your better efforts.

From what I understand, 2.5 - 3 billion is in “direct” aid. There is many times that in “indirect” aid.

As I was reading this, I guess subconsciously I felt it was lacking “blood”, so I thought about the old James Cann movie, Rollerball.

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Xman says:

Monday, January 5, 2009 at 1:34 pm

btw, for those interested in live blogging from Gaza, there is a girl/woman named Natalie who has a great blog at http://www.gaza08.blogspot.com, called “Moments of Gaza”.
She answers my email, but power is intermitent and had to step away to go look at damage in her neighborhood.

I asked what I can do and she said:
“Yes, you can do something… as a citizen you have the power of choice and the vote… you can boycott and vote… vote not for colour or gender… for morality and justice. unfortuantely the US presidency affects all the world…and now, a new reign begin with blood onthe hands of the ruler…
you ahve the power to speak, and that of awareness… the only thing anyone has no power in, the only thing we are helpless against… is those lements of terror and weaponry of death… “

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Pelmo says:

Monday, January 5, 2009 at 4:08 pm

Great job Joe, but I have to remind you that when you report about a big sporting event, you have to always predict the winner of the big game.

My prediction is: The one and only unbeaten team in every conflict. The military industrial complex

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JoeC says:

Monday, January 5, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Thanks for the compliments and input, everybody. And yes, the military industrial complex seems to be the ONLY winner in all these conflicts. Follow the money — still a great piece of advice.

Just think…the U.S. sells all sorts of weapons systems to Israel. Then, Israel reverse engineers them, and builds their own weapons. Then Israel sells these weapons to other countries, like our good warm-hearted buddies, Russia and China. For instance, you know that technology in a pilot’s helmet that allows him to aim missiles where his eyes are looking? Well, Israel turned around and sold that technology to China.

And guess what: China sold it to Iran and Syria.

I guess we have to build something bigger and better since Iran has our technology now. But that’s a good thing…it keeps the engineers at LockheedMartin rolling in your dough.

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Xman says:

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 10:16 am

Hey Guys,
Dr. Juan Cole at http://www.juancole.com does an excellent summary of Iraq/Gaza daily violence.

Today he had a great/short bit about how terrorists are created. Thought you’d all be interested.

“In 1996, Israeli jets bombed a UN building where civilians had taken refuge at Cana/ Qana in south Lebanon, killing 102 persons; in the place where Jesus is said to have made water into wine, Israeli bombs wrought a different sort of transformation. In the distant, picturesque port of Hamburg, a young graduate student studying traditional architecture of Aleppo saw footage like this on the news [graphic]. He was consumed with anguish and the desire for revenge. He immediately wrote out a martyrdom will, pledging to die avenging the innocent victims, killed with airplanes and bombs that were a free gift from the United States. His name was Muhammad Atta. Five years later he piloted American Airlines 11 into the World Trade Center.

On Tuesday, the Israeli military shelled a United Nations school to which terrified Gazans had fled for refuge, killing at least 42 persons and wounding 55, virtually all of them civilians, and many of them children. The Palestinian death toll rose to 660. The Israelis say they took fire from one of the schools. Was it tank fire?

You wonder if someone somewhere is writing out a will today…”

There is more to this article on his site.

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JoeC says:

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 8:42 pm

The United Nations has strongly refuted Israel’s claim that militants were launching mortars from the school, and the United Nations had supplied the Israeli military with the coordinates so they could be really careful and not hit the school.

Thanks for sending the link, Xman. Since the article is moving down the page, I’m including the link to the page: Al Fakhoura School Bombed: 42 Killed.

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Xman says:

Thursday, January 8, 2009 at 11:03 am

Thanks, Joe.
Just to make it clear: It was a United Nations school. I just now saw a news report that no militant bodies were found at the scene.

Another BIG story, which is subject to a USA msm blackout is the 60 - 70 members of one family killed in one location.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/israel/4162193/Gaza-medics-describe-horror-of-strike-which-killed-70.html

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Xman says:

Friday, January 9, 2009 at 10:17 am

I think I may have to start my own blog. I am absorbing and sharing so much information about Gaza and how the information industry works that it is like peeling an onion. It seems my eyes just keep getting wider and wider open…and with that opening, I feel I have a responsibility to do something more.

I have been corresponding with people who are being bombed around the clock. Natalie tells me when a bombing starts, the small children playing at her feet look to her. When she gives a nod and a smile, they go back to playing with their toys. When she herself is shaken, the children cry.

She tells me the phone rings constantly. It used to ring for many things, but now when it rings, it is because someone has died. And it rings all the time.

There is an odd humour that helps them get through difficult times as she helps in the hospital or ambulance. They joke that they are a ship sailing on the murderous seas of Gaza on the ship Die-tanic.

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Pelmo says:

Friday, January 9, 2009 at 3:37 pm

I don’t advocate the killing of children and innocent civilians. But when is everyone going to learn that when Israel gets slapped in the face, they retaliate with full force, so that they don’t get slapped again.

They don’t care what anyone thinks or says about their actions, and wants to let everyone know they will not take it.

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Xman says:

Friday, January 9, 2009 at 4:43 pm

I know where you are coming from, Pelmo, but I don’t buy “origin” arguements anymore. I don’t think they are productive. Both sides use them, but obviously, they haven’t worked.

A few words by Shakespeare on the subject:

Israeli citizens might ponder the following words from Shakespeare (in The Merchant of Venice), which I have slightly altered:

“I am a Palestinian. Hath not a Palestinian eyes? Hath not a Palestinian hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Jew is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that … the villainy you teach me, I will execute; and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.”

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2Truthy says:

Friday, January 9, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Bravo, Joe!

Why is it that God’s Jews always get the better equipment and uniforms?

As for their determination to own the Arab’s Sheiks Home Stadium, you know, that’s so lame — a little like the Vikings going down to play the Miami Dolphins, losing the game, and then telling the mayor that they don’t feel like leaving. Evah.

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Pelmo says:

Saturday, January 10, 2009 at 12:00 pm

It would be such an easy world to live in, if more people took the attitude of my relatives back in Lithuania.

I was there this past spring for a wedding and got to meet a lot of relatives I didn’t know I even had. They didn’t dwell on what happened in the past, but looked at the future and were so happy that we have gotten together after all these years.

They will always feel the pain of the past, but they would rather look to the future and the things they have now.

There is nothing that we can do that happened in the past. But we can look at what we have now and go from there.

Reply

Super Gaza Bowl!

14 Responses to “Super Gaza Bowl!”

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