Top 10 Terms of Big Three Auto Bailout
10. All future expenditures must be approved by new oversight committee chaired by Dick Cheney and a blue ribbon team of private prison inmates.
9. New “Green Homeland” engines to be imported from Haliburton’s Dubai plant, must get less than 10 miles per gallon, must emit exaust containing excess of 10% birth-defect-causing, good-as-nuclear-fallout, radioactive-for-centuries, depleted uranium dust.
8. Richard Wagoner, CEO of GM, must forfeit the $15 million he took home in 2007 and scrub assembly line latrine with a toothbrush once per week until bailout is returned to taxpayers.
Note: toothbrush must be Wagoner’s own, only toothbrush. Whether he actually brushes his teeth during this period is between Wagoner and his dentist.
7. Alan Mulally of Ford, who earns $21 million, must eat every meal in a local charity soup kitchen. He also must put in 20 hours per week at Detroit’s Georgia Street Community garden until all taxpayer moneys are returned.
6. Robert Nardelli of Chrysler, who received a $210 million severance check from Home Depot last year, must make all future visits to Capitol Hill by flying from Detroit to Washington D.C. on an unaltered, off-the-shelf tricycle.
5. Seventy-five percent of the cars GM produces in 2009 must be of the wildly popular electric plug-in EV1 model that was sabatoged in the 1990s by money-hungry management (service-free cars don’t earn service centers any money), Big Oil (a car that doesn’t need gas?!), and the hydrogen fuel cell industry (if cars don’t need viable hydrogen fuel cell technology, we won’t get paid billions to develop one!)
4. The constitutional rights of all auto workers will be suspended such that their phone conversations can be taped, they may be arrested and denied a fair trial, and they may be tortured to elicit a confession…oh, wait, President Bush already suspended those rights!
3. Only get to blow cash on $3 million 30-second Super Bowl ads if all upper management agrees to have fingernails removed with pliers and a blowtorch.
2. Taxpayer moneys will only be used in a strict sense to streamline user-centric networks, enable best-of-breed architectures, grow rich e-services — all while exploiting turn-key metrics and optimising an efficient bandwidth of booze and women and party golf vacations. Trust us. C’mon…TRUSSSSSST us!
And the number one term of the big three auto bailout is…
1. All financial bonuses replaced by “whack any overpaid executive VP with a rubber mallet” points system.
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Wow! An edgier “Dilbert”.
And don’t forget:
Can only use bailout money to lobby congress for looser emission controls, looser safety standards, etc. if they agree to locate their corporate offices in a native Yurt in Mongolia and accept a masticated breakfast from the toothless lips of the hut Granny.
nevermind