Top Ten Reasons Karl Rove Won’t Testify

Karl Rove and George W. BushMonday was the deadline for former Bush advisor Karl Rove to agree to voluntarily testify under oath about his involvement in sending former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman to prison.

Siegelman, the Democratic Governor of Alabama from 1999 through 2003, was convicted in 2006 on corruption charges. But it’s how he got convicted that’s interesting…

While Siegelman was governor, the U.S. Justice Department targeted him with multiple investigations that went on year after year until, finally, a jury convicted Siegelman of bribery. He was then sentenced to seven years in prison.

Recently, Siegelman was released pending appeal while a House Judiciary Committee investigates the matter. The House Judiciary Committee wants to know whether Karl Rove ordered Siegelman targeted for prosecution in order to kill any chance of the Democratic governor from getting re-elected. The committee has asked Karl Rove to testify under oath.

But anonymous sources have cited 10 Reasons why Karl Rove won’t testify…

Top 10 Reasons Karl Rove Won’t Testify Under Oath

10. He doesn’t have to, because after failing to get a degree at the University of Utah, the University of Texas-Austin, and George Mason University in Virginia, he’s going to enroll again at…wait a minute, that’s Top 10 Ways Karl Rove Dodged the Draft

9. If he takes the stand, there’s a hundred percent chance he’ll commit perjury, because Karl Rove can’t open his mouth without telling a lie.

8. Doesn’t want to risk revealing the secret reinforced concrete apartment beneath his basement where he worships a huge cache of Nixon memorabilia.

7. Afraid opposing council “fishing” will expose his addiction to freebasing massive quantities of cheese grits.

6. Rove doesn’t want to admit that it was he who swiped Hillary’s fuchsia pumps with the clear heels, and he’s terrified of having to give them back.

5. Justice can wait; Rove has to attend Mariah’s Six Flags wedding reception first.

4. If it doesn’t involve getting soused and rapping, Rove isn’t interested.

3. Rove doesn’t like the way he looks wearing orange, ankle cuffs, and picking up trash along the highway.

2. 1st Rule: You do not talk about what goes on in Bush Club. 2nd Rule: You do NOT talk about what goes on in Bush Club.

And the number one reason Karl Rove won’t be testifying is…

1. Can’t afford to drive over to the courthouse because the price of gas is so freakin’ high!

[tags]Karl Rove, Governor Don Siegelman, House Judiciary Committee, corruption charges, bribery, Justice Department[/tags]

This entry was posted in Politics, Satire, Top 10 Lists. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Top Ten Reasons Karl Rove Won’t Testify

  1. pelmo says:

    This has nothing to do with your post. Just wanted to say hello from the land of my birth. I have read countless articles that Lithuanians have a drinking problem. So far no problem, haven’t spilled a drop.

  2. Xman says:

    In honor of Pelmo’s drinking and Joe’s post:

    Carl Rove enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. “This is a nice place, I’ve never been here before,” Carl says.

    “Oh really,” the other replies, “it’s also a very special bar.”

    “Why is that?” Carl asks.

    “Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gough, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”

    “Gee, that’s amazing!” Carl says.

    “Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”

    “No way, that’s impossible,” Carl replies.

    “Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by Carl. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

    “See, it’s fun. You should try it!” he says.

    “Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” Carl shouts.

    “It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!…he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

    “Go ahead, give it a try, it’s a blast!” he says.

    “Well, what the heck, OK…I’ll give it a try,” Carl says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10…20…30…40…50…100… 200…300…500…1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!… ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

    After calmly watching Carl fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.

    The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”

  3. JoeC says:

    Hear, hear! Three cheers for Pelmo across the big pond in Lithuania! Throw some Litas on the bar and drink one for me.

    Xman, I always knew Superman had a dark side, and though it’s not right…him tricking Rove to jump out the window and all…I’m tempted just to ignore it this time. Good to see somebody play a trick on Rove instead of vice versa for a change! ;-)

  4. Lynne says:

    Where did you find that photo of Karl Rove and Ted Bundy???

  5. JoeC says:

    Holy cow…he does look a lot like Bundy, doesn’t he…spooky.

  6. Joe,

    Just wanted to say thanks for the comment on Pottersville this morning.

    I thought it was a good essay, and certainly no longer than many of JP’s, the one right before was quite long as you may have noticed.

    Oh well.

    Nice to see your blog. Terrific Rove ploy. If only.

    I’ll be baaaaaaack.

    Oh, and I’m an ex-software manager/writer/trainer/etc. from Westinghouse/McDonnell Douglas/Bell Labs days.

    Suzan

  7. JoeC says:

    Suzan, thanks for dropping by. Hey, I really DID enjoy the post about Gore Vidal’s interview. Good stuff.

  8. libhomo says:

    LOL
    The stuff about the cheese grits was really gross.

  9. libhomo says:

    Lynne:

    I bet Bush would be a failure as a shoe salesperson too.

  10. Dusty says:

    Actually that pic of Bushie looks eerily like that actor formerly known as Will Ferrel. Speaking of Will..a choice Ricky Bobby quote:

    I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

  11. JoeC says:

    Yeah, his hair is looking a little Will-Ferrell curly there, and he’s arguably as funny as Will Ferrell, but the difference is Ferrell is TRYING to be funny and Bushie is usually just trying to put two words together when he gets his biggest laughs ;-)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


required

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>