Earliest Declaration of Independence Discovered!
What is unquestionably the earliest draft of the American Declaration of Independence was discovered last Thursday inside the frame of an old picture that a Philadelphia financial analyst bought for $4 at a flea market in Adamstown, PA.
Two forensic specialists hired by ABC News have independently concluded that the document is indeed the earliest original rough draft known to exist.
Jefferson, Franklin Lacked Writing Skills
“The text in these document am very rough,” said Miriam Newbiggin, an archivist at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston who was recently shown the document. “It really done brung into question the writings aptitude of Jefferson and Franklin. Both is supposed to be cream of the crop, far as colonial prose writers goes. Now, I wonders.”
The Original Draft Declaration
The original rough draft is printed below in its entirety:
As plain as the nose on the face of King “spend-all-our-money-on-his-empire” George, every hooligan is created equal as the corrupt banker, or cheap tart, or an exciting priest…you get the idea. We should all be free to live our own lives how we want, where we want, with whichever gender we want, smoking and drinking what we want, free from…what’s his name? By George, his name is Hades!
Yes, I’ve said it. Hell hath a name. That name: King George!
I tell you, stable floors are littered with faecal entities more deserving of dignity than George, whose vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare!
(Note in margin: “Thine hand might tone this down a bit, Tommy. -Benny F.”)
No! King George, I call you out! Bilesome bigot, you brash bragadisme. Your mere existence has for me offered proof there is no God, no hope, no justice and the most miserable future for humankind. Have you any idea how agonisingly juvenile you are? Your head is filled with the dust from the half-dozen or so thoughts you have managed to snare within your lifetime.
(Note in margin: “Replace the entire paragraph, perhaps: ‘George — the compost bin of creation.’ -Benny F.”)
The totality of empire’s warmongering and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. Believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. I have sometimes thought that one day righteousness might be restored in the world by some simple act, such as you swallowing your tongue. But alas, I fear you are too busy flapping it in the breeze to ever swallow the horrible truth. To have you enter a room is the social equivalent of walking up to someone with a wet, cold, soiled nappy and slapping it in their face.
The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. Georrrrrrrge! If the single-celled proto-slimes that oozed out of the earth’s ancient muds had any inkling they would give rise to you they would have slid back into the filth from whence they came!!!
(Note in margin: “Good heavens! Does Miss Sally always stroll your home in gift Parisian lingerie?! The kitchen needs me. I shall return briefly. -Benny F.”)
We must, therefore, acquiesce in the…the…necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them…doesn’t make sense does it…as we hold the rest of mankind? Enemies in War, yes, and in Peace Friends. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence blah blah blah Santa Claus, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, our sacred Honor, maybe our gold, but never our hard-brewed ale. Stick it, England!
It’s rumored that Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were highly indepted to Blue Swami’s Hate Letter Generator.
Read More: April fools day jokes, American Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, King George
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The quill burns up the parchment, every time you don the curly wig with a dash of talcom powder. Watch out that the garters on your knickers don’t cut off the circulation to your legs.
Hahaha. Happy April Fools Day!
Who knew? Those Founding Fathers didn’t write any better than us lowly bloggers do!
Hey, Mooncat! Yeah, those founding fathers just had better editors ;-)