Britney Spears Interviews Dick Cheney
Following is the complete Hard-boiled Dreams of the World interview with Dick Cheney by guest interviewer Britney Spears:
Britney: You’re so creeping me out. I mean, your whole face is like one big freak flag. Let’s get this over with. Let’s get right to it, Dick: What’s up with this new fake bin Laden tape?
Cheney: I don’t buy the premise of your question, Britney. Simply stated, there is no doubt Osama bin Laden is alive. There is no doubt he is still the gravest of threats to the United States of America, and also to the freedom-loving peoples of the world. That, Britney, is exactly why your government must have the right to jail people, the right to bar them from seeing an attorney, and the right to keep them locked up without pressing charges for as long as any nameless threat requires — maybe forever.
Britney: But he’s DEAD! Admit it! In the bin Laden video released in December, 2001, he’s barely moving the left side of his body. He’s clearly got diabetes. He has low blood pressure. He’s got a wound in his foot. He’s on kidney dialysis–
Cheney: If there’s a 1% chance that bin Laden is still alive, we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our–
Britney: Look, Dick, Pakistan’s president said bin Laden was dead over six years ago. Afghanistan’s president says bin Laden is probably dead, too. The FBI’s counter-terrorism chief said Osama bin Laden was probably dead as far back as July, 2002. And the Pakistan Observer even ran a story about bin Laden’s funeral. He’s dead, already!
Cheney: Bin Laden is alive, probably in Iraq. Maybe Iran. He wants to kill your children. We have good reason to believe he’s turned to cannibalism.
Britney: Sacred pig, Dick. Your entire life is entirely satisfictitious! The U.S. Military just released an exhaustive study clearly stating there was no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda. And then, last week there you were lying about make-believe connections again, like anybody still believes anything that comes out of your crooked little mouth…
Cheney: The evidence is overwhelming, Britney. It goes back to the early ’90s. It involves a whole series of contacts, high-level contacts with Osama bin Laden and Iraqi intelligence officials and Graceland and–
Britney: Scuz me? Did you say “Graceland”?
Cheney: Just to give you one example, Britney. Remember Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a Jordanian terrorist, an al-Qaeda affiliate. Elvis Presley funded his training camp in Afghanistan for al-Qaeda.
Britney: But, like, Elvis is dead!
Cheney: Al-Qaeda is betting that you believe Elvis is dead. They’re counting on it. They can’t beat us in a stand-up fight. So, they’re betting that when we go after Elvis for funding al-Qaeda, the American People will insist that Elvis is dead and go home. If that happens, they win.
Britney: Elvis is NOT alive, and he’s NOT funding al-Qaeda. Why would he? I’m seriously choking on bafflegarb! What crapeteria is selling you this barfulous chuck?
Cheney: Reliable intelligence. Very reliable intelligence. We know for a fact that Elvis is funding an extensive al-Qaeda push to create jihad within the United States. We’ve taped phone calls between Osama bin Laden and his new second-in-command…he’s already in this country, right now, in Missouri. His name is Frank James. He has a younger brother, Jesse, actively recruiting–
Britney: Holy crappopotamus. Frank and Jesse James are dead. They are NOT going to attack Americans, at least not in this century.
Cheney: That’s just what al-Qaeda hopes you believe.
Britney: Dick, you’re a seriously paranoid old faloney.
Cheney: Everybody wants to kill us, Britney. A Dictatorship is the only thing that can save us.
Britney: You’ve had one too many fascist crappacinos, Dick.
Cheney: Dictatorship. Say it over and over…after a while, it gets to where it doesn’t sound so bad.
Read More: Dick Cheney, Britney Spears, Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda, terrorism, Iraq, war on terror, Elvis Presley, Jesse James
Related Articles
March 24th, 2008 at 3:50 am
Too much..such a mind Joe..you have a twisted, but humorous mind sir!
Thanks for the snicker, I needed it. ;)
March 24th, 2008 at 6:01 am
I’ll take that as a compliment…I think :-)
March 24th, 2008 at 7:22 am
You just hit another home run. With all the shit that is fed us on a daily basis, Britney might as well be doing these interviews. We don’t have a network or a reporter with any balls to question any of it.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Hahaha — fascist crappacinos. What an excellent post. I always suspected Brits was hiding something under her flipped wig.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Hey! Britney died her hair blonde again.