Clinton, Huckabee, and Chuck Norris in the House
There was quite a buzz in Huntsville this morning…
While the wife and kids and I made tracks to Aromas, our favorite local coffee shop, in quest of a caffeine buzz (it’s sort of a Saturday morning tradition at our place) — at that same moment, Bill Clinton, Mike Huckabee, and Chuuuuuuuck NNNNorrissssssss were IN…DA…HOWWWWSSSSSE!
Slick Willy
About 9:30 AM at the Huntsville High School gymnasium, speakers began blasting “Blue Sky” by Big Head Todd and the Monsters. And then, in walked Bill Clinton.
If you weren’t from Earth, you’d guess his mom named him “Hillary” from all the blue signs in the crowd.
After Clinton was introduced onstage, he thanked a long list of “good friends” he’d known forever, yadda yadda, promised Hillary would keep funding NASA and the rest of Rocket City’s aerospace industry, managed not to inhale while blowing an impressively gargantuan amount of smoke up the behinds of 2000 people for a full hour, and still hung around to shake hands and pocket phone numbers for twenty minutes before heading off to do it again at a college gymn in Birmingham.
I’ll say this about Clinton: he is what he is. The man is a liar, and he’s a very intelligent, likeable liar, and when he lies to you at least he tempers the lies with novel ideas that make the whole world think…ideas that give people a hopeful “wow” we’re-going-to-be-ok feeling. And after seven years of hearing Bush’s unimaginative lies, incessantly tempered with: “Remember 9/11. Be scared. Make Cheney and me dictator or you’re screwed. Foreigners wants to kills you’s all!”, you know, I think most folks would gladly sacrifice a few virgin interns to get somebody with Bill’s talents back in the Oval Office.
Sadly, it’s Hillary on the ballot, not Bubba J. Teflon.
Mickey Huckabuck
About five minutes away, Mike Huckabee rallied a crowd of 700 or so at Trinity United Methodist Church before heading to another event in Tuscaloosa.
Huckabee said he wants to replace the IRS with a sales tax, yadda yadda yadda, wants kids to Get Hooked on Fishing, Not Drugs (but wouldn’t that be painful? Shouldn’t the fish, not our kids, get hooked fishing?)
Oh, yeah…and he’s going to make Chuck Norris the next Secretary of Defense.
Which brings me to another big guy who was in Huntsville this morning, sitting at the right-hand side of Huckabee…
Chuck Norris
Taking the stage in support of Huckabee, Chuck Norris had this to say:
As Secretary of Defense, I will lead a horse to water and make it drink.
As Secretary of Defense, I will run around the world so fast that I will be able to punch myself in the back of the head.
As Secretary of Defense, I will exterminate al Qaeda using a flamethrower I make by urinating into a lighter.
Then, Chuck Norris sneezed with his eyes open and ate only one Lays potato chip before leaving town.
Read More: Bill Clinton, Mike Huckabee, Chuck Norris, Huntsville
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Take Chuck, Oprah and all the other celebrities endorsing the candidates, and lock them in a cage, like those ultimate fighters. Then a fight to the finish, as we elect the candidate of the final winner.
The only other solution, is a real Super Hero will jump out of the wings at the last minute and save us from this joke of a list that we have to choose from.
Pelmo, I have to admit, I keep hoping the Super Hero will jump into the fray, too, although I’m expecting it about as much as me winning the lottery, and I haven’t bought any tickets lately…so not very likely.
Just curious, if the genie came out of the bottle and you could pick anybody to be President, and it’s a serious choice…somebody who would have the skills to actually lead the country and have enough knowledge to do the job, who would it be?
I’m having a hard time thinking of anybody as an obvious choice. Other than Oprah, that is :-). Seriously, I don’t know who I’d want for the position if the choice was wide open…
You are right, all we have is plastic pupets that masquerade as statesman. Look good for the cameras is all that matters. I don’t know that much about his leanings, but Nagel from Nebraska is the only one that I could think off, that would come close. He was the only one that sounded most sincere, even tho he wasn’t running and is quitting congress.