10 Ways Bush Stays Happy
Most of us don’t want to be the fascist leader of a New World Order, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to be happy from a Texas blockhead who does.
George W. Bush, the ingrate responsible for much of the world’s grief, offers the following tips that make his life a happier life, despite the loud sucking noise in his country. Maybe they can work for you, too.
- Experiment to find out what makes you happy. Different things make different people happy. If you aren’t sure what your hot spots are, experiment. Try eavesdropping on your friends. Tell a lie that gets somebody killed. Or just drink and drive. Find out what you enjoy most.
- Surround yourself with others who are happy. Try to avoid tired, poor, homeless huddled wretched refuse, even if they’re yearning to breathe free. They’ll drag you down. Instead, stick with the storied pomp. Their easy way with success will rub off on you. You’ll learn how to pass the buck with a smile and keep on truckin’.
- Count your blessings. When something bad happens, like Dick Cheney letting hijackers attack New York or the worst hurricane ever hitting New Orleans, try not to focus on it. Instead, read a book about a pet goat, or play a guitar.
- Think solutions. Instead of thinking about problems, move to the next step: how to solve it. When someone says to me, “Oh, there’s no reason to invade Iraq,” or “Oh, the people ain’t gonna give us no more war profits,” or “Man, the Geneva Convention says torture is a war crime,” I just ask them, “Well, what’s the solution?” Most of the time, it’s easy as telling a lie and barring further discussion due to state secrets that could threaten national security. Try solution-oriented thinking and you’ll be much happier.
- Accept things. Sometimes it’s hard to realize we can’t control the world. We have to understand and love every person of every color and faith, even if they have more oil than we…WTF? Who’s writing this load of hokey!?
- Take time to savor life. Instead of rushing from one crisis to another, resolve to have less to do each day, less appointments and fewer tasks. Then do each thing slowly, with ignorance, and try to be absent. Just go to Camp David, or Kennebunkport, or the ranch in Crawford. Stay gone for over a whole month.
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Treat yourself. Take a few minutes each day to give yourself a little treat, whether that’s something like a bubble bath, or walking barefoot in the grass, or riding your bike. Forget about the war on everything. You deserve it.
- Follow your passion. If you do what you love to do, you’ll be extremely happy. This is one of the best things you can do. If it seems impossible, don’t give up. Saddam bombed Iran and you can too.
- Look at your achievements. Instead of looking at your huge number of colossal failures, think about anything good you may have contributed to the world. If, like me, you can’t come up with anything, just smile and continue with the next tip.
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Laugh. Just the simple act of laughing can make you happier. Just look at war widows. Or war orphans. Or vets without legs. And laugh your head off.
Seriously…laugh your head off.
Read More: George W. Bush, Happiness
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September 5th, 2007 at 6:23 am
Wow, one of your best posts! That video of the stupid Americans is horrifying.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Yup, gotta hand it to you, buddy. You sure do hate George Bush and Americans.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Lynne: Thanks! Of COURSE in that video they edited out the people who responded with intelligent answers, but it still shows that there’s some folks who slept through their geography class. Fox News simply must start showing more maps along with their lies ;-)
Morgan: Did you hear what George Washington said about Benedict Arnold? Jeez…old George Washington sure did hate Americans.
September 5th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Don’t forget that big fish that he caught which he stated was the best moment of his presidency.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
Great post, Joe.
But you forgot about how he copes with stressful meetings like the G-8 Summit. Just grab hold of P.M. Merkel and give her a nice backrub. Who cares if it’s creepy, chauvinist and completely inappropriate?
Why do folks like Morgan Freeberg hate America so much? They keep supporting the guy — our latter day Benedict Arnold — who bought the presidency, steals from us, lies to our troops and congress, and has blasphemed our constitution. They equate THAT man with the United States. Equating W with the US demonstrates some very real hate, in my opinion.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
James: I like Leno’s comment about Bush’s best-moment fish comment: “A lot of historians would agree with that.”
La Sirena: Ohhhh…thanks for adding the rejected give-a-massage moment! I forgot about that happy Dubya habit…showin’ some creepiness, indeed!
September 5th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
You know, some frat boys just did too much partying and the damage shows all their life. Bush’s stunted maturity is a great example of that. Groping heads of state, inability to handle details, strutting, bullying, an inordinate amount of time justifying himself to others, pondering his place in history, constantly positioning himself as intellectually superior to other world leaders, while at the same time having endless Toga parties in Texas and elsewhere, clearly says to me he feels his happiness way way back then in long distant times, when he had a beer in his hand, a broad in his lap and a straw up his nose. However, having his finger on the button is a pretty good substitute.
September 5th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Xman: I think he misses the college days, and he’s also having a blast as president. In fact, even though he’s hands-down the worst president ever, he may be the president who’s had the most fun being president. I think you’re right about having the finger on the button…he enjoys it way too much, constantly reminding Iran, Congress, and everybody else on the planet that he’s not afraid to push it, and that, heck, we built it, so why shouldn’t we push the button? I can just see him calling Ahmadinejad in the middle of the night on the video phone, saying, “Look…my finger’s THIS close to the button…if I suddenly had to sneeze right now, you’d only have twenty minutes to say your heathen prayers…HahahhahAHHahah.”
September 6th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Here’s another one: reinvent history. Explain in a speech about Vietnam, why the war that you avoided as a youth, should never have ended. Then listen to the applause from your base.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Funny, Joe.
I think it’s time to check out “Dr. StrangeLove” again.
September 6th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Punditman: I like it…reinvent history and point out Vietnam for all the wrong reasons. On a sidenote, your current string of blog articles is scaring the bejeezus out of me…but I’m glad you’re sharing the info.
Xman: I haven’t watched Dr. Strangelove since Bush stole office. I’m sure some things will jump out with new meaning…definitely need to watch that one again, and besides, it’s such a good weird movie.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:23 am
He is a lame duck president and his popularity is at the lowest. Yet no one dares to challenge him. After a few sound bites to appease the masses, the democrats soon give in to his wishes, and march o his tune.