Bye Bye Gonzo!
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This morning I woke in the country of fear.
Poured a hot mug of coffee, put a hand to my ear.
And the sound I heard blow from the car radio,
Well, it started in low. Then it started to grow.
But this sound wasn’t scared, and the sound wasn’t bad.
It couldn’t be so, but it was GLAD! Not sad!
Every Patriot in America, the short and the long,
Was singing, “Happy Trails, Gonzales!” They were happy he’s gone!
It felt almost as festive as Christmas in Whoville today, as news that Alberto “I perjured myself in every hallway and corner of the RFK Main Justice Building” Gonzales had resigned travelled like peals of freedom bells from hilltop to dell, from sea to shining sea.
And then people began to talk in front of the cameras, and now that the dust is settling, we can read between their lines…
Fire-and-Forget Gonzo
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said: “I have lived the American dream.”
What he meant: “The American dream — you know, get as much as you can by any means that you can and screw the rest of the world and anybody who don’t like watching me be the life of the party. It’s been fun, suckers!”
President Dictator
President Bush said: “It’s sad that we live in a time when a talented and honourable person like Al Gonzales is impeded from doing important work because his name is dragged through the mud for political reasons.”
What he meant: “I, you know…since when is lying to the American people a bad thing? I fabricate horse manure. It’s what the President does — what I’ve done — over, and over, and over. The American people just grin, and they lick it up. Many of you right-wingers have asked me to supersize the next plateful. I even told mi abogado — my lawyer — Al Gonzales that fabricating whoppers must be what we’re SUPPOSED to do, because, you know, y’all seem to love it so much.
“It’s sad that you’re trying to hold us accountable. That’s not how freedom works.
“Freedom is all about you being a slave, me getting worshipped, and Cheney telling me what to decide next. And right now, Cheney’s telling me to decide we’d best get back to the hard work of attacking Iran and manufacturing faster and more expensive bullets…not the cheap bullets, but the bullets with a higher profit margin. You know…Freedom Bullets.”
Top Democratic Dog in the Senate
Harry Reid, the Democratic leader in the Senate, said: “This resignation is not the end of the story.”
What he meant: “It won’t end until the Democratic majority sits, heels, and rolls over for Master Dubya again, like the well-trained mutt-brained dogs we turn backward flips to be. Woof! Heh-uh-Heh-uh-Heh-uh-Heh! Woof woof!”
Senator Ted Kennedy
Senator Ted Kennedy said: “I strongly urge President Bush to nominate a new attorney general who will respect our laws and restore the integrity of the office.”
What he meant: “I’m not asking for the job.”
Michelle Malkin
Michelle Malkin said: “Back in May, I said I wouldn’t be shedding tears [if Gonzales resigned] and my poll showed that neither would most of you.”
What she meant: “I, Michelle Malkin, am the flawless looking glass through which every other person interprets their world. Without me, the world would die from dullness…except for third-world populations too impoverished to get high speed broadband Internet and relish my spin, and those people are just hateful starving beasts, so, like, who cares anyway.”
DOJ Distraction
Senator Pete Domenici, R-N.M., said: “His situation was a distraction to the Department of Justice and its attempt to carry out its important duties.”
What he meant: “With this distraction out of the way, the DOJ can get back to its important duty of throwing out any case that threatens to negate illegal wire taps, unratified income taxation, torturous interrogation techniques, unjustifiable war, and any other attrocity the President should be tarred and feathered for considering.”
Smoking the World
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said: “The president must now restore credibility to the office of the Attorney General.”
What she meant: “I’ll vote to approve whoever Dubya wants as long as I get to whine loudly about it first. I’ve always liked playing good cop, bad cop. People have told me I’m one of the better good cops they’ve seen. Yes, we’ll bomb Iran, and we’ll get the oil, and we’ll eventually leave Iraq in a shambles under a brand new dictator, but after my performance America will be in a position to convince herself that, although she turned fascist, it wasn’t her fault and she really didn’t ENJOY turning fascist. America may smoke the world, but good heavens, America doesn’t inhale.”
The Quaint Screen Door
Alberto Gonzales once wrote in a memo to Bush: “The war on terrorism is a new kind of war, a new paradigm [that] renders obsolete Geneva’s strict limitation on questioning of enemy prisoners and renders some of its provisions quaint.”
Nice try, Al. Don’t let the quaint screen door hit your quaint arse on the way out.
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And the sheep, gum-stuck in their war against terror,
Stood puzzling: “How did we inherit this error?
It came launching missiles! It came dropping bombs!
“It failed with a preemptive war on Saddam!”
And they puzzled while Bush tried to even the score.
Then the sheep thought of something some hadn’t before!
“Maybe freedom,” they thought, “doesn’t bomb A to Z.
“Maybe freedom…perhaps…requires civility.”
Read More: Alberto Gonzales
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Nice job, Joe. “Country of Fear”…where all the Bravehearts are an endangered species.
I like what Josh Marshall of TPM said Gonzo should have said: “I have resigned to spend more time with my defense attorney”.
New AG predictions?
Orrin Hatch. Nutty as a fruitcake ( so Bush will continue to be consistent)and as a mormon can help grease the skids for Romney.
The AG is dead, long live the AG.
I’m glad he’s gone, but I really do hope to see more of Gonzales…hopefully singing like a bird on the witness stand instead of forgetting exactly what the White House told him when. I’d love to see the resignations flow uphill, too. If the current VP and POTUS can’t be impeached for what they’ve done, might as well take impeachment out of the Constitution (along with a lot of other stuff that’s being ignored these days.)
But I’m being a downer…right now, I’m going to try to enjoy the moment…Rummy’s gone, Rove is gone, Ashcroft and Gonzales are gone. Hip Hip Hurray!
I love the Bushitler pic. Love the Pelosi “what she really means”. You nailed it.
Yes, all those folks are gone but corporations are still calling the shots and the Democrats are just as much the corporate tools as the Republicans. Our country won’t turn around until we the people make it so.
I need anti-depressants.
I am glad that you made a joke out of the situation, since all of the major players have turned into cartoon characters; and all we can do is laugh at their antics, as they bury this country into a deeper hole.
‘Christmas in Whoville’ it is,
and still I suspect coal in my stocking.
Wasn’t that the public relations campaign Cheney’s energy task force came up with? One lump of coal in everybody’s stocking and a free vacation in Iraq? :-)
The gift that keeps on giving…