Iraqi PM al-Maliki Consults Miss Manners
On Saturday, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki declared the USA free to return home to its imperial base amidst amber waves of grain between two shining seas. And yet, a full 24 hours later, US troops remained…surging on top of their killer treadmill to nowhere in Iraq.
Judging by the following letter from al-Maliki, it would appear he’s all but reached the end of his rope…
Dear Miss Manners –
Is there any polite way to ask guests to leave once the host feels the party needs to end?
We Iraqi people are a hospitable people. We opened our home in 2003 to planes brimming with various armies, war profiteers, and covert operatives pretending to be al-Qaeda, etc. I humbly admit that Baghdad’s golden domes and minarets are a sight to see beneath the summer’s starry sky, and my fellow countrymen made a sincere effort to provide our guests with a palace fit for a president. But the Americans felt so comfortable and at home, they quickly claimed 104 acres of Tigris riverfront property and began building a horrific concrete fortress monstrosity there — what we Iraqis are now referring to as the Super Wal-Mart Embassy.
I understand when you host a party with fireworks, the guests are expected to stay a few hours. However, I feel that these neocon guests that invaded our home have more than overstayed their welcome. They even invited their exuberant friends from England, Australia, Denmark, and Poland, and told them it was ok to bring weapons and fill their tanks with all the oil their hearts desired! And now, everyone seems to love our home and they act like they never want to leave.
After three to four years of visiting, I am dropping subtle (and not so subtle) hints that it is getting late and we need things to end. I make sure the street crews are seen washing up the blood and packing the loose limbs and guts into graves. My staff members have made comments of “Gee, it is getting late and we need to get back to work putting food in the market and restoring electricity and running water.” I’ve made announcements such as “All the doctors and dentists and professors that haven’t been murdered need to come back from their refugee camps in Syria.”
But nothing seems to work.
My comments are pretty much ignored. The guests always want just one more “shock and awe.” They keep lustily staring at our oil wells. They keep filling our streets with rubble containing radioactive depleted uranium dust.
Am I unreasonable in expecting parties to end after a four-year time frame? Is there a kind way to ask the occupation to leave, or should my countrymen and I give up throwing parties altogether?
Occupied by a Fascist Chimp,
Baghdad, Iraq
Gentle Puppet Leader –
Please don’t give up being genial and welcoming to foreigners. So few democracies do it now, it has become quite acceptable to deport and fence away any huddled mass yearning to breathe free.
The least subtle way to get rid of loutish guests that is still polite is to say goodbye to them. You stand up, approach their Main Stream Media, and say, “It was wonderful having you blow the living hell out of Iraq. We must do this soon again.”
Miss Manners recommends remembering that you live there, and no matter how badly another country wants to play army in your backyard, only you have the right to grant participation in your own civil war.
If Chimps and Rovers protest, just look at them regretfully and say “Sorry,” as you close the door.
Read More: Iraq War, occupation, Nouri al-Maliki, George W. Bush, Miss Manners, humor
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