Top 10 Reasons Bush Commuted Libby’s Sentence
George W. Bush, the man who executed 131 inmates while governor of Texas, has commuted the 30-month prison sentence of Lewis “Scooter” Libby because the punishment was too harsh for helping a Vice President commit treason against the United States of America.
After the announcement, the president laughed maniacally for the next ten minutes. He stopped long enough to address a unit of marines headed to Iraq for their third tour of duty: “You soldiers don’t know what harsh is. Just ask a real patriot like Scooter!”
When they left, the laughs continued. Between stomach cramps that left Bush bent and slobbering on the Oval Office rug, he spat and muttered: “The whole American middle class…what a bunch of suckers! Hahhahaahaa…a bunch of regular Charlie Browns! And I’m Lucy Van Pelt, and those morons are never gonna kick my football! Hahhahhaahaa! Never!”
When asked to elaborate, President Bush gathered his breath, smoothed his tie, and gave the following 10 Reasons He Commuted Libby’s Sentence:
10. That’s how a fascist dictatorship works, jerk.
9. Letting Libby avoid prison will allow a good a man who has done a lot for his country to resume his life, and by the way — I’d also like to announce the pardon of Osama bin Laden.
Osama’s family is rich, and he’s a natural-born leader and freedom fighter. Osama helped our CIA fight the Ruskies for many years. And did I mention that his family has lots of money?
Yes, I realize that Osama made an error in judgment and took a little misstep that brought down the twin towers, and he deserves to be punished. But, c’mon folks…would you actually make him pick up a bar of soap in prison?
Regardless what you think, I have decided that incarceration for Osama would be harsh and excessive punishment, so on behalf of the 9/11 victims’ families, I grant him a full and well-deserved pardon.
8. Sometimes restoring honor and dignity to the White House means pretending it didn’t happen. Actually, most of the time. No, better make that all of the time.
7. The AIPAC lobby called and said: “Let my Scooter go!”
6. If I let Scooter go to prison for two years, no telling how many novels he’ll write, and the world simply can’t survive another of Libby’s everyday tales of bestiality and paedophilia in 1903 Japan.
5. Libby knows where the Iraqi WMD are. He’s not talking until I promise not to lock him up.
4. You probably think Paris Hilton had it rough, but believe me — until you’ve seen Libby gasping and slamming around a prison cell like a rabid monkey, you haven’t seen claustrophobic.
3. It’s just not in me to keep the boy from going out West. It’ll be fall soon. The aspens will already be turning. Turning in clusters. Let Libby go back to work…and life.
2. As long as Scooter’s in prison, we can’t silence him with a bullet in the — wait, Cheney’s telling me to shut up about that.
1. The jury obviously worked very long and hard and deliberated at length, and they were obviously convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that Scooter lied and obstructed justice and deserved to be strongly punished, and as President of the USA, you know, I just thought it’d be fun to kick ‘em as hard as I could where the sun don’t shine.
Read More: Lewis Scooter Libby, George W. Bush, Cheney, Plamegate, CIA, commute
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