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Top 10 Reasons Bush Commuted Libby’s Sentence

Lewis Scooter Libby George W. Bush, the man who executed 131 inmates while governor of Texas, has commuted the 30-month prison sentence of Lewis “Scooter” Libby because the punishment was too harsh for helping a Vice President commit treason against the United States of America.

After the announcement, the president laughed maniacally for the next ten minutes. He stopped long enough to address a unit of marines headed to Iraq for their third tour of duty: “You soldiers don’t know what harsh is. Just ask a real patriot like Scooter!”

When they left, the laughs continued. Between stomach cramps that left Bush bent and slobbering on the Oval Office rug, he spat and muttered: “The whole American middle class…what a bunch of suckers! Hahhahaahaa…a bunch of regular Charlie Browns! And I’m Lucy Van Pelt, and those morons are never gonna kick my football! Hahhahhaahaa! Never!”

When asked to elaborate, President Bush gathered his breath, smoothed his tie, and gave the following 10 Reasons He Commuted Libby’s Sentence:

10. That’s how a fascist dictatorship works, jerk.

9. Letting Libby avoid prison will allow a good a man who has done a lot for his country to resume his life, and by the way — I’d also like to announce the pardon of Osama bin Laden.

Osama’s family is rich, and he’s a natural-born leader and freedom fighter. Osama helped our CIA fight the Ruskies for many years. And did I mention that his family has lots of money?

Yes, I realize that Osama made an error in judgment and took a little misstep that brought down the twin towers, and he deserves to be punished. But, c’mon folks…would you actually make him pick up a bar of soap in prison?

Regardless what you think, I have decided that incarceration for Osama would be harsh and excessive punishment, so on behalf of the 9/11 victims’ families, I grant him a full and well-deserved pardon.

8. Sometimes restoring honor and dignity to the White House means pretending it didn’t happen. Actually, most of the time. No, better make that all of the time.

7. The AIPAC lobby called and said: “Let my Scooter go!”

6. If I let Scooter go to prison for two years, no telling how many novels he’ll write, and the world simply can’t survive another of Libby’s everyday tales of bestiality and paedophilia in 1903 Japan.

5. Libby knows where the Iraqi WMD are. He’s not talking until I promise not to lock him up.

4. You probably think Paris Hilton had it rough, but believe me — until you’ve seen Libby gasping and slamming around a prison cell like a rabid monkey, you haven’t seen claustrophobic.

3. It’s just not in me to keep the boy from going out West. It’ll be fall soon. The aspens will already be turning. Turning in clusters. Let Libby go back to work…and life.

2. As long as Scooter’s in prison, we can’t silence him with a bullet in the — wait, Cheney’s telling me to shut up about that.

1. The jury obviously worked very long and hard and deliberated at length, and they were obviously convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that Scooter lied and obstructed justice and deserved to be strongly punished, and as President of the USA, you know, I just thought it’d be fun to kick ‘em as hard as I could where the sun don’t shine.

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This entry was posted on Monday, July 2nd, 2007 at 11:22 pm and is filed under Politics, Satire, Top 10 Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

8 Responses to “Top 10 Reasons Bush Commuted Libby’s Sentence”

Lynne says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 7:03 am

Joe, you’re the king of snark. Thanks for the chuckle.

Reply
Lynne says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 7:27 am

OT but does this sound like the wind up for a false flag operation to you:
“This is reminiscent of the warnings and intelligence we were getting in the summer of 2001.” anon. official to ABC News.
Warnings in summer 2007.
“Terrorist” event this fall.
Bush declares martial law by November.

Reply
JoeC says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 7:51 am

Hey Lynne! I’ve been expecting the “event” for a while, and am honestly surprised it hasn’t happened yet. I really thought another false flag or “let it happen” event was going to come before the elections last year, so in my mind it’s suprisingly way overdue.

Seymour Hersh recently noted that bombing Iran is Bush and Cheney’s wet dream. And with thousands protesting him now whereever he goes, martial law seems like a shoo-in for the dictator in chief. Looks like interesting times ahead…

Reply
Xman says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 8:57 am

#11
“I looked into his eyes and saw his soul”.

#12
“He’s a good man”.

#13
“Look, ya’ll know I’m just a sock puppet, what would you do it you had Cheney’s hand up your @#$?

Reply
La Sirena says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 9:47 am

My personal theory is that the false flag will occur in approximately a year — maybe a little more. The Bush will declare martial law and the danger of changing executive administrations. The 2008 elections will be cancelled, and he will remain the decider until the War on Terror is won — sometime around 2044.

Reply
James says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 3:08 pm

I totally thought the same thing about pardoning Osama.

Great list.

Reply
JoeC says:

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 at 4:32 pm

Wouldn’t it be really cool, like, if Bush did use a false flag to hang onto power, but then like, you know, Jeb got really pissed because it was his turn to be the Prez, and then there was a whole new three-way American Civil War between Dubya, Jeb, and all the people who wanted to exile the entire Bush/Clinton/bin Laden family cabals? That would be soooo cool, heh-heh-heh…the first NUKULAR civil war. (I AM just kidding, of course…)

Reply
bhumika says:

Wednesday, July 4, 2007 at 11:17 am

great post..here is what i think happened:

# Dick Cheney forced him..u know he has man sized security vaults in his office..

# libby knows where the “skeletons” are hidden!!

http://www.thenewsroom.com/details/466569?c_id=wom-bc-bg

bhumika
US news desk,the newsroom

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Top 10 Reasons Bush Commuted Libby’s Sentence

8 Responses to “Top 10 Reasons Bush Commuted Libby’s Sentence”

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