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On September 13, 2006, a lawyer for the Vice President demanded that Dick Cheney’s visitor logs be destroyed. The demand was sent to the Secret Service after the Washington Post made a Freedom of Information Act request to find out who had been visiting Darth Cheney’s official residence.

Even though logs have unlawfully been destroyed, copies have surfaced! And so, here’s the…

Top 10 Surprises in Cheney’s Visitor Logs:

10. Adolf Hitler is still alive and kicking at 118, and often drops by to give Cheney advice and a blood transfusion.

9. The logs contain hundreds of entries with no names, simply signed “hookers, hookers, and more hookers!”

8. Fidel Castro made several clandestine visits late last August, but only stayed long enough to sober up frequent traveling companions Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.

7. On more than one occasion Cheney rode home with Paris Hilton, who often drove Cheney’s Jaguar XKR to ensure the VP avoided a third DUI.

6. Cheney left the residence every first and third Friday night of the month — the same nights wife Lynne scheduled strip-poker parties with Al and Tipper Gore.

5. Logs reveal only one shotgun salesperson visited during the entire year, compared with 126 traveling bra and garter set representatives.

4. For an incredible 11-day stretch in 2006, every single visitor was bald.

3. Hundreds of entries with no names, simply signed “another bucket of KFC drumsticks and Jim Beam.”

2. Compared with other Federal residences, a highly disproportionate number of visitors complained of point-blank birdshot wounds to the face.

1. Cheney regularly denied President Bush entrance unless he brought a no-bid contract for Halliburton, his own defibrillator, and promised to nuke Iran by 2008.

Read More: Dick Cheney, Naval Observatory, visitor logs

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