I finally got to spend a day hanging out with George W. Bush.
Previously, my day with Vice President Dick Cheney was a whirlwind emersion in the evil Sith arts. My day with Rummy Rumsfeld left me in awe of his pretzel-worded philosophical insights. And, frankly, my day with Senator Joe Lieberman left me wanting to kick the smarmy, power-hungry little yapping poodle of a politician in the teeth.
But this was George W. Bush, No. 43, W — still the President, and still the Moron.
I arrived early at the White House, the morning still gray and the air frigid. After squeezing through the tight parking spaces on West Executive Avenue, I was cleared by agents at the west entrance, then proceeded through the lobby…into the West Wing.
My escort lead me quickly through the narrow, too-bright white halls, and I was surprised at how small the rooms were. Through open doors I saw crammed offices littered with books, files, family photos, and discarded editions of every major morning newspaper. It smelled like a college library and emitted a soft buzz from too many muted TV sets, and cell phones with their volumes on low. The staff was already ramping up for the day — lots of enthusiastic young people, many in their twenties.
And finally, I met the President of the United States. Then the day REALLY began…
“…and dear benevolent God of the west, tell us who to bomb next.
And if it’s your will, please let them have a lot of oil, and sweet-smelling flowers to greet us with.”
|On a visit to the Harley-Davidson factory, one of the President’s frequent flatulence jokes goes terribly wrong…|
“Flat Stanley has shown an unwavering determination to protect the Amurican people. He’s also been a tireless leader in the war on terror.
“Make no mistake: Stan’s the right man to head our new Department of Constitutional Destructionage.”
|“George, oh Georgie… I’m well chuffed to see you wearing the necktie I sent you. When you come to London, if it still fits, please pack your old Yale cheerleader outfit. You’re the bleedin’ bees knees in that one, love.”|
|“An Improvised Explosive Device that destroyed a Hummer and three marines also killed this pig, so you liberal schmucks can’t say there ain’t no good news. It’s delicious!”|
|“If you don’t want to wake up in Abu Ghraib, son, I’d suggest you get my pizza here in LESS than 45 minutes.”|
|Bush, who always spends July 5 and Friday After Thanksgiving with his illegitimate children, visits them on December 26 at the CIA’s secret orphanage in Romania.|
|“There’s an old saying by Thomas Jeffer—I know Ben Franklin said it, probably Jefferson too…he said, beer is proof that…proof that God loves…uh, yeah, you know, God loves…God wants us all to get sloshed is what it is.”|
[tags]humor, Bush, George W. Bush, politics, iraq, republicans, ethics, al qaeda, media, terrorism[/tags]