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Archive for December, 2006

Presidential Library? No Thanks!

Monday, December 18th, 2006

As President Bush begins to think about life after being the most powerful chimp in the world, he has to find a site for his Presidential Library.

Erecting a Presidential Library has become a time-honored tradition for former Presidents. After 4 to 8 years in office, Presidents need a place to pack off all their notes and photos and gifts. A Presidential Library made perfect sense when President Franklin D. Roosevelt established the first one in Hyde Park, New York, in 1939.

But now, when rental mini-storage facilities are available in every corner of the country, why raise $500 million and hire architects to design and build a fancy schmancy museum to hold all the junk?

And what if you’re the worst President of all time? Who wants THAT President’s library in their home town? That’s the scenario President Bush may be facing.

Southern Methodist University

Since Southern Methodist University became the frontrunner on the short list of potential sites for the Invading Decider’s library, the faculty, administrators, and staff of the university’s Perkins School of Theology sent a letter to SMU’s president. The letter in part says the signers would:

…regret to see SMU enshrine attitudes and actions widely deemed as ethically egregious: degradation of habeas corpus, outright denial of global warming, flagrant disregard for international treaties, alienation of long-term U.S. allies, environmental predation, shameful disrespect for gay persons and their rights, a pre-emptive war based on false and misleading premises, and a host of other erosions of respect for the global human community and for this good Earth on which our flourishing depends.

SMU is a private university in Dallas, founded in 1911 by what is now the United Methodist Church. Although President Bush is a member of the United Methodist Church, he failed to acknowledge his own church in September when it helped launch a week of protest and civil disobedience against the war in Iraq by signing a declaration of peace urging the President to pull U.S. troops out of the country.

On the pro-library side of the fence, a Presidential Library would bring instant tourists and economic energy to SMU. According to figures from the National Archive, attendance tends to spike in the opening year, and again upon the president’s death. That’s good news for the Dallas Chamber of Commerce, which already sees tourists line up to visit The Sixth Floor Museum at Dealey Plaza.

Also, First Lady Laura Bush is a SMU graduate and member of its board of trustees. The first lady has indicated that she and the worst President in history will spend their post-White House life between their ranch in Crawford and a home in Dallas.

Visit a Presidential Library

Existing Presidential Libraries can be visited, online or in person, here:

Herbert Hoover Presidential Library & Museum - West Branch, Iowa
Franklin D. Roosevelt Library & Digital Archives - Hyde Park, New York
Harry S. Truman Library & Museum - Independence, Missouri
Dwight D. Eisenhower Library & Museum - Abilene, Kansas
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Library & Museum - Boston, Massachusetts
Lyndon B. Johnson Library & Museum - Austin, Texas
Nixon Presidential Materials - College Park, Maryland
Gerald R. Ford Library & Museum - Ann Arbor, Michigan; Grand Rapids, Michigan
Jimmy Carter Presidential Library & Museum - Atlanta, Georgia
Ronald Reagan Presidential Library - Simi Valley, California
George Bush Library & Museum - College Station, Texas
William J. Clinton Presidential Library & Museum - Little Rock, Arkansas

Posted in Politics | 7 Comments »

When They Were Young: The Bush Administration

Sunday, December 17th, 2006

When I grow up I want to get a DUI, dodge the draft, and become President so I can decide which city I’m gonna let drown and which country your sons and daughters will invade to get me and Daddy some more oil.

~George W. Bush

When I grow up I want to get two DUIs, dodge the draft, profit from war, and feel the rush of getting drunk and shooting an attorney in the face with a 28 gauge shotgun. I want to grow bald and wear a permanent evil and twisted little crooked snarl. Now, F’ off!

~Richard B. Cheney

When I grow up I want to create a fictional common enemy to unite the country by using rhetoric with a great deal of ominous-sounding smoking guns and mushroom clouds. I’ll persistently refuse to talk to any nation who won’t give me everything I want when I demand it.

~Condoleezza Rice

When I grow up, I want to steal elections, seek revenge by leaking the name of CIA agents, and have the President affectionately call me Turd Blossom.

~Karl Rove

When I grow up I want to shock and awe with extensive collateral damage. I want to know that I know where the nonexistent weapons of mass destruction are not, and to be fired for being the best gosh-darn Secretary of Defense ever.

~Donald Rumsfeld

Posted in History, Politics, Satire | 7 Comments »

The Santa Claus Test for Radical Extremists

Friday, December 15th, 2006

Radical religious extremism is like bad breath: it’s impossible for those with it to smell their own condition. But others can smell it plenty!

Radical Religious Extremists Defined

Radical religious extremists are people who use a deity or religion as an excuse to say irrational, counterproductive, unjustifiable things that would otherwise have no place in civil society. These extremists often violate common standards of ethics and reciprocity without seeming to realize it.

So, how can you tell when you, or someone else, have crossed the thin line between embracing spiritual traditions and violating common standards of ethics and recipocity?

Have no fear, because the Santa Claus Test for Radical Religious Extremism is here! But first, a little background…

The Essence of all Religion

The Golden Rule is the fundamental moral principle found in virtually all major religions:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” ~Moses

“What you do not wish upon yourself, extend not to others.” ~Confucius

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” ~Jesus

“Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you.” ~Muhammad

And yet, all religions have extremists who repeatedly strive to break this Golden Rule.

All religions, that is, except one…

Santa Claus as Religion

There are people who are convinced that Santa is real. There are people who are sure he’s only make-believe. Unlike with other religions, believers and nonbelievers aren’t killing each over the truth about Santa Claus.

Does Santa Claus drink alcohol? Can he perform the miracle of stopping time? Does his spirit actually descend on helpers throughout the world on Christmas Eve, or does he visit each home individually? Does he deliver presents to homosexuals? Jews? Blacks? Women? Handicapped people? Is Santa’s penis circumsized? Who are Santa’s chosen people?

Amazingly, followers of the cult of Santa Claus often disagree on these tenets without breaking the Golden Rule. Which brings us to my test…

The Santa Claus Test for Radical Extremists

Whenever you, or someone else, refers to deity or dogma in conversation, replace said deity or dogma with “Santa Claus” and see if you sound Assholian.

Let’s use some famous quotes to see the test in action:

“I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing Santa Claus who is sending a love letter to the world.” —Mother Theresa.

That’s sweet. We write letters to Santa as children, then we help Santa write back to the world through our adult actions. That’s enlightening, and I don’t think it’s extremist at all.

“I don’t know that people who don’t believe in Santa Claus should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under Santa Claus.” —George H.W. Bush.

Wow. George gets an eleven on the ten scale of radical religious extremism…and a big fat zero on Understanding the U.S. Constitution.

“The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty Santa Clauses or no Santa Claus. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.” ~Thomas Jefferson.

Nice guy. And smart, too, that Jefferson dude.

“Without Santa Claus, democracy will not and cannot long endure.” ~Ronald Reagan

Harmless, bewildering senile extremism. Possibly confusing democracy with capitalism? Possibly confusing democracy with Catholicism? Possibly confusing democracy with the United State’s own democratic republic? Or just plain old confusing.

“The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by people who worship Santa Claus. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of people who don’t worship Santa Claus they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society.” ~Pat Robertson

If he could, Pat would stick a sharp fork in Thomas Jeffson’s kneecap. Scared, paranoid, radical extremist.

“What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness Santa Claus has given us in this world…” ~Robert E. Lee

Very true…and what better words to remind us of the troops that will be separated from their families and friends when Santa brings the world joy this Christmas.

“I just want to do Santa Claus’s will. And he’s allowed me to go to the mountain.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Take it to the mountain. Proactive? Yep. Extremist? Naaaa. He and Santa have got their own thing going.

“With the support and power of Santa Claus, we will soon experience a world without the United States and Zionism and will breathe in the brilliant time of Islamic sovereignty over today’s world.” ~Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Don’t do it Santa! And don’t give Ahmadinejad his toys until he promises to quit hijacking your support and power. Sounds extremist to me…

“Santa Claus told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then Santa Claus instructed me to strike at Saddam.” ~George W. Bush

And then Santa Claus told him to let monkeys play with the nuclear football…Yeah, right. I wish Santa would shut the heck up! Extremist? You betcha.

“I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Santa Claus: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of Santa Claus.” ~Adolf Hitler

‘Nuff said. This guy’s a pretty radical extremist.

“This country exists as the fulfillment of a promise made by Santa Claus Himself. It would be ridiculous to ask it to account for its legitimacy.” ~Golda Meir, Prime Minister of Israel 1969 - 1974

Go to timeout, Golda. You’re being extremist.

“Believing in Santa Claus is more than just an instantaneous conversion; it is like a daily process whereby you grow to be more and more like Santa Claus.” ~Billy Graham

Santa Clause…you could certainly pick a worse role model. Watch the sweets, though…Santa’s belly’s shaking like jelly.

Posted in Politics, Religion | 5 Comments »

UFO Parks Over Downtown Los Angeles

Thursday, December 14th, 2006

When it comes to LAX airport parking it’s a good idea to reserve some discount airport parking so you don’t pay an arm and a leg for your LA airport parking fees.

* * *

Amasnic Fact Off!!!

In 1942, hundreds of thousands of people watched an unidentified flying object park over Los Angeles and endure an hour-long barrage of anti-aircraft shells.

On the morning of February 25, 1945, the people of Los Angeles were ready for an invasion. Only 10 weeks earlier, the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. Just two days before, a submarine had surfaced near Santa Barbara and fired on gasoline storage tanks.

So, when a radar blip approached at 2:15 a.m., the air-raid sirens screamed to life. Six minutes later a blackout was ordered. Then a huge unidentified object appeared in the sky.

The Battle of Los Angeles

12,000 air-raid wardens—and hundreds of thousands of people awakened by the sirens—watched the luminous ship move into the Los Angeles area.

The blimp-sized object came to a stop over Culver City, hovering above such landmarks as the MGM studios.

The Army’s 37th Coast Artillery Brigade trained multiple searchlights on the craft.

Then, between 3:16 and 4:14, dozens of gun batteries pounded the object with anti-aircraft shells.

(+) LA Times Front Page Photo

Several direct hits were reported, but none seemed to have any effect.

Many Smaller UFOs

Witnesses saw smaller objects fly through the area, too.

Editor Peter Jenkins of the Los Angeles Herald Examiner: “I could clearly see the V formation of about 25 silvery planes overhead…”

Long Beach Police Chief J.H. McClelland: “The group passed along from one battery of searchlights to another…Anti-aircraft fire was so heavy we could not hear the motors of the planes.”

The large craft looming over Culver City finally moved away toward the Santa Monica coast, then south towards Long Beach where it eventually disappeared.

Death and UFO Censorship

The next day, the Army reported 1,430 12-pound rounds had been fired. Several buildings were damaged and three civilians killed by falling shrapnel. Three more died from heart attacks during the bombardment.

In the end, the military denied there had been any objects in the sky at all. This lead the Long Beach Independent to note: “There is a mysterious reticence about the whole affair and it appears that some form of censorship is trying to halt discussion on the matter.”

Read more Amasnic Fact Offs: Amasnic Fact Off Archive.

Read More: UFO, battle, alien, WWII, Los Angeles, Japanese, Pearl Harbor

Posted in Amasnic Fact Off!!!, History, Science | 3 Comments »

Kiss the North Pole Goodbye

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

Ice at the North Pole is melting so fast that in 30 years it will be open sea—horrific news for Santa’s Workshop and most polar bears.

Underestimating Global Warming

When scientists encountered a mile-wide stretch of thawed ocean in the polar region six years ago, some estimated the North Pole would be ice free as soon as 2100. Now they’ve moved the date forward by 60 years.

According to a NASA-funded team of leading climatologists, the entire North Pole will be open water by the summer of 2040.

The North Pole—which hasn’t been without ice in over a million years.

The place has long been one of the planet’s most inaccessible frontiers. At the North Pole, the sun crawls above the horizon on March 21, then moves in twenty-four-hour loops before setting for good in September.

The Melting Arctic Habitat of Polar Bears

In the twentieth century, dozens of explorers died trying to reach the top of the world by sled and foot. Today, it’s reached more often via airplane and submarine.

And in thirty years? I’m sure Carnival and Royal Caribbean will be making regular jaunts.

Arctic Warming Three Times Faster

There’s no longer any debate that the average global temperature climbed a degree over the past century.

What’s not heard as often: loss of ice exposes dark sun-absorbing land and ocean surfaces. The result is Arctic warming occurring twice as fast as the average global mean, and some hot spots in the Arctic are heating up even faster.

Scientists conservatively predict a positive feedback loop that will melt the Arctic at an ever-increasing rate until there is no more ice at the North Pole.

The Upside of an Ice Free Pole

Yes, it all sounds rather bleak and hopeless, but there is good news…

Despite sweaty seals and the extinction of polar bears, other marine life, such as codfish, will move into the thawing areas of the Arctic Ocean and thrive.

Granted, other things will move in too, such as deep-sea oil rigs, and freighters taking a new shortcut.

And while there’s no word yet where Santa plans to relocate the elves and toy factory, Vegas odds point to China.

Posted in Politics, Science | 3 Comments »

Archive for December, 2006

Presidential Library? No Thanks!

Southern Methodist University

Visit a Presidential Library

When They Were Young: The Bush Administration

The Santa Claus Test for Radical Extremists

Radical Religious Extremists Defined

The Essence of all Religion

Santa Claus as Religion

The Santa Claus Test for Radical Extremists

UFO Parks Over Downtown Los Angeles

The Battle of Los Angeles

Many Smaller UFOs

Death and UFO Censorship

Kiss the North Pole Goodbye

Underestimating Global Warming

Arctic Warming Three Times Faster

The Upside of an Ice Free Pole

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