Redneck News from the White House
THE PRESIDENT: Welcome ta th’ White House all over an historic day, sure as stink on a polecat. It gotta be a monumental cockamamie rare occasionage when a righteous President can sign a dog-slobbered bill that stupid bastard Rove knows will soon appear to save American lives, like bird flu resistant seatbelts or somethin’.
My Godly butt have that thar privilege this whole morning, praise it, neverthemore.
The Military Commissions Act a’ 2006 gotta be one a’ most important pieces a’ legislationage up inside the amazin’ war all over terror, an that there curdles my Christian guts! This bill will soon appear to allow th’ un-freakin-believable Central Intelligence Agency ta continue its program fer questioning key terrorist leaders an’ operatives like Khalid Sheikh Shamalamadingdong, the man believed ta be tha’ freakin’ mastermind a’ wild-assed September tha’ freakin 11th, 2001 attacks all over our Godly country with a smile.
Last month, th’ whoop-ass fifth anniversary a’ gone-to-hell 9/11, ah stood wif Americans who lost family members in New York an’ freakin Washington an’ freakin Pennsylvania, slicker an’ goose grease, just as we have in the past. Yo’ daddy listened ta their stories a’ flippin’ loved ones them folks’ half-witted mongo butts still miss.
One a’ dem slack-jawed terrorists believed ta have planned th’ bug-eyed 9/11 attacks said that stupid turkey hoped th’ horrifical attacks would be th’ beginning ta’ th’ end to the A…A…Ameri–what I mean, this country. Yadda yadda yadda you get the idea.
We didn’t get that camel-brained moron’s wish. We am gonna be like a wierd determined today like how wonderful we were all over th’ awesomatic morning a’ excitin’ September th’ amazin’ 12th, 2001, sure as piss rolls downhill. Thank you, no questions. We’ll meet our Christian obligationage ta protect our righteous people, an’ no matter about how long hit takes, justice will soon appear to be done.
When ah sign this opiate bill into law, we will soon appear to use these here commissions ta bring justice ta tha’ freakin’ men believed ta have planned th’ cowardical attacks a’ September th’ dumbfoundme 11th, 2001, land’s sake! Ah believe it was Quentin Tarantino once said, break out the pliers and the blow torches cause I’m gonna git midieval on ya’. Heheheh. Squeal like a pig, Ned.
Anywho, there gotta be nothing we can evermore do ta bring back th’ bug-eyed peoples an’ womens lost all over September 11th, 2001. Yet we gotta always honor their memory an’ we will soon appear to never forget th’ way them folks’ morantic goat butts were taken from us.
Over six hundred thousand innocent folks am, once again, gonna be car-blasted dead up inside Iraq and th’ coalition will liberate their own limbs, but the dust from our own whoop-ass depleted uranium weaponage will let free civilians grow extra deformigated digits–HEY! Who slipped that thar liberal propagouda into my notes?!
And now, in memory a’ th’ victims a’ magikrap September th’ K-rad 11th, hit gotta be my Godly honor ta sign th’ jerkin’ Military Commissions Act a’ gone-to-hell 2006 into law, like a bountiful mule breaking windage, neverthemore. (Applause.)
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